sAvE mY sOuL!!!

I have been doing a lot of thinking and self realization. Been shutting myself off from calls, mails and even blog. Till now. I need to start taking baby steps to make the changes.
I realized that there is a lot of things that has been submerged deep within me for so many years, things that i need to let go. Let go and allow me to be myself again.

What i feel like saying (WIFLS) is that now i really need someone to talk to, someone whom are willingly to support me and let me allow you to go deep inside my life, the dark side that i have always hide behind the laughters and act.

All my life, i have not really let anyone at all to go too deep inside my life, i have not allow myself to cry on other shoulder accept for my own, i have not allow anyone to fully support me through my rough times. I need someone whom will allow me to breakdown and support me through.
My close friends may know bits and pieces of happenings, but not every single detail, not the whole actual picture.

I am afraid, I am afraid of being judge, i am afraid to trust and be broken. I am afraid to show my ugly sides, afraid to confess all the bad things i have done, afraid to let myself be damaged by this powerful emotions and allow myself to heal and rebirth.

Even as i write now, i could feel a struggle within me, a part of me want to blab everything out here, but something inside my heart feels heavy and restricted. Can feel the knock inside to burst through this thick wall that i have build through the years.
I really want to put everything out on my realization, say everything out and be supported, cry and be destroy by this emotion in the process of letting it go.

I thought that self realization is sufficient. Then Joe, my dear superlogs supervisor during money and you April 2007 now my great friend, gave me a very big tap. Thank you Joe. Now i know realizing it is not enough, i need to let go and the process of letting go may require what i said i need.

I feel like i need a long and great WIFLS session. I need to break this wall into pieces. I need to let go off all these anger and pain within my body and soul. I need to cry and scream it all out.
I need to get off from this shell, i cannot go on acting anymore. I cannot go on denying anymore. I need to let go. I need to be supported. I need to get this off my chest. I cannot go on like this anymore. This is not me. I want to be me, Miss Chang Kit Ti.

*oh my gosh, this is the first time i am crying out loud for support. and while calling out now i just feel arghhhhh!!! Could feel every inch of arghhh through my body and hands now...
ARRRGGHHHH!!!*