lIFe!!!

"Life is just so fragile. We wouldn't know if we survive tomorrow. Just want you to know, make the best out of everyday. Let bygones be bygones. Sorry if i have done you wrong. Let us start a brand new story, making the best out of our time. This message is send in memory of my 20 year old friend, Calvin Teo who has just left us this very morning. 19th August 2007."

Those were the words that was send out to most of my friends this very morning. A little reminder to all of us that life is fragile and unpredictable. We would never know what will happen tomorrow. As they say, the future is not ours to see.
Hence, we should all start living each day to the fullest, living no regrets at the end of our lives.

Been pondering the whole day today. Guess that i am pretty much affected. Calvin died of cancer and a few of my aunties were diagnose with breast cancer. So many unpleasant news coming in within such a short period of time. Made me feel rather helpless. The whole day of reflection and pondering. There is so much thoughts that i wanted to pour out here. Been thinking of so many incidences and a better way to jot it all here and share. Share and build all of us. But it seems like i couldnt put my thoughts and words properly.

I am not fretting nor am i ranting. Just that much ponders made me realized that life is really short, fragile and unpredictable. Reflecting on my own life, i realized that i have been making mountain out of mole hills. I have been taking my life for granted and have not been making the best out of everyday, every single moment.

Many were born everyday and many depart everyday. Life and death is such a mystery. A jigsaw puzzle for every single one of us to put together. Non knows how it actually works till the very last moment. But the very last moments are often too late to share and hence life goes on as a mystery and adventure for us to explore.

I made a pledge today. I made a pledge to myself to start cherishing every single moment of ups and downs in my life. I pledge to make the best out of everyday, every moment of my life. I pledge to continue sharing and bring more happiness to myself and people around me. I pledge to love myself and everyone around me. I, Chang Kit Ti pledge to live my life to the fullest!

Calvin's departure is not a great loss, but a great lesson. Something to be shared with everyone around me as well. His presence will always be remembered.
His strive will always be an inspiration. His departure will always be a reminder.

Calvin, although i don't know you well, but you have pretty much touched our lives. Reminding us on our own lives. Reminding us that we should live our lives to the fullest. Your departure is matter of fact a blessing in diguise and a lesson to be remembered. I guess now, you are near to God, watching over us, showering us with your heartful blessings. May you rest in peace.

i Am WhO i Am!

Another rare occasion. A sudden urge of blogging nonstop.
Mind and emotions are rather messy today.
Initially this entry is intended to sound of anger. An entry of warning. An entry of f**king those b*****ds.
But it seems like my soft points has taken over the anger. My silliness once again locked my own emotions.
Myself blame once again turned the scenario around, feeling that it is my own choice and my own decision, my own fault.
Constant self blame is consuming more and more of my soul.
Self realization - improvements
Self blame - rants and destruction
Seing the distinction, i should be able to start on my improvements rather than go on ranting and destructing myself.

Somehow, i still feel like ranting, i feel like quarantining myself , feel like lashing all my anger and frustration.
I am upset, upset and tired of all the games and conflicts. Tired of all the people whom took advantage of my softness. Upset with all the game of attractions and lust.
Sick and tired of my own stupidity. Sick and tired of my insecurities and fear. Sick and tired of pretending, pretending to be strong, to be bold to be who i am not.
Argh!!!!
Enough is enough.

No more pretending. No more succumbing. No more faking. No more pleasing beyond my boundaries. No more hiding.
I am gonna be who i am. I am gonna allow my own emotions to flow. I am gonna be honest and true to myself.
I am who i am. I feel how i feel. I am the master of my own life.

dOeS iT eXiStS?!?

They often say that dramas/movies are often reflection of reality.
Been watching some silly chinese romance drama. Yes "chinsese" drama. Although many of you know that i am not much literate in the chinese language but i am still
chinese and i do understand the language fairly. Just maybe i am not able to converse well.

I realized that every romance drama may it be taiwanese, korean or japanese, the story lines are often similiar. Complex love triangle, one drama after another, sacrifices, silent heartaches, extremely romantic love pursues, status differences,
faith, believes and bla bla bla.

Somehow or rather the stories seems rather fake to me. I wonder if such happenings do happen in reality?

Does it really happen in reality that one would sacrifice so much for another in the name of love? Sacrificing beyond status and life?
Does it happen in reality that one would love another silently, hiding all the heartaches to help the one loved to pursue another love?
Does all the silly but extremely romantic luxurious dates really happen in reality?
Can all the touching lines and philosphies be applied in reality?
Does such love purity exists?

I wonder, i really wonder. Maybe i have not seen or heard before of such happenings in my 23 year old of life.
Weirdly, somehow i would feel a pinch of heartache every single time.
Seems much of the purity of love reflects on my romantic idealistic pursues.
But will it ever happen for me?
Can all the drama in my reality just perish?
Will it ever be simple and pure?
Will there be someone whom will be as silly as i am?
Does it even exists???

mAyBe...

Here it goes again! Another happening, another flow of emotions, another realization.
Heard a song when i was watching a silly chinese romance drama, song seems to be one of the root of my misery. One of the contributing factor to my darker side. Sounds of my fear and heartache.
Rarely of me confessing in detail but i believe this is a good start of me accepting that i actually am feeling so and a good begining for me to change.

Eric Carmen - All By Myself
When i was young
I never needed anyone
And makin' love was just for fun
Those days are gone

Livin' alone
I think of all the friends i've known
But when i dial the telephone
Nobody's home

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
All by myself anymore

Hard to be sure
Some times i feel so insecure
And love so distant and obscure
Remains the cure

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
All by myself anymore

Well, i guess i should not deny anymore that i don't wanna be all by myself. I could not deny that this fear leads me to one companion after another. Sillily allowed myself to fall deeper into the pit every single time of retreat. One after another, heartahce after heartache, stupidity after stupidity has caused much of my self value, esteem and believes.
A gurl whom have always fake self confidence now could not pretend anymore. Much has been blowned away. What is left is only the little strength that still go on fighting and believing through the darkness and fear.

"What you resists persists"
Maybe this pharase is pretty much true. Maybe i have been resisting too much. Maybe i have been feeling too much.
Maybe...