mAyBe...

Here it goes again! Another happening, another flow of emotions, another realization.
Heard a song when i was watching a silly chinese romance drama, song seems to be one of the root of my misery. One of the contributing factor to my darker side. Sounds of my fear and heartache.
Rarely of me confessing in detail but i believe this is a good start of me accepting that i actually am feeling so and a good begining for me to change.

Eric Carmen - All By Myself
When i was young
I never needed anyone
And makin' love was just for fun
Those days are gone

Livin' alone
I think of all the friends i've known
But when i dial the telephone
Nobody's home

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
All by myself anymore

Hard to be sure
Some times i feel so insecure
And love so distant and obscure
Remains the cure

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
All by myself anymore

Well, i guess i should not deny anymore that i don't wanna be all by myself. I could not deny that this fear leads me to one companion after another. Sillily allowed myself to fall deeper into the pit every single time of retreat. One after another, heartahce after heartache, stupidity after stupidity has caused much of my self value, esteem and believes.
A gurl whom have always fake self confidence now could not pretend anymore. Much has been blowned away. What is left is only the little strength that still go on fighting and believing through the darkness and fear.

"What you resists persists"
Maybe this pharase is pretty much true. Maybe i have been resisting too much. Maybe i have been feeling too much.
Maybe...