ClArItY!?!?!

My Gosh!! Never thought just a simple 1 month holidays could be so tiring yet fulfilling. Attended 2 amazing seminar/conference. First was the money and you seminar. That was really a life changing seminar for myself. REalizing many things in my life and have achieve clarity. Then NLDS 2006 an amazing conference that motivates me again.
Been very tired and exhausted attending this 2 event one after another. Mind, body and soul. Well, glad that i have the opportunity to be there.
I dont deny it has been rather hard for me inside but yet manage to pull through, putting certain things aside and enjoyed the whole process.
Well, a part of me feels like i wanna stay forever in both events. Away from reality and just enjoy the clarity, motivations and people. A great learning journey.
It has been a whole new journey of learning, developing day by day, seing so many others developing day by day brought wordless joy to my heart.
Money and you has actually help me see things in my life more clearly and meeting up with a few graduates from the program yesterday reminds me of a lot of things.
Where else in NLDS it has been very touching and emotional for me, many came up and thank me for inspiring them. THat made me realize that it is something that i am really happy doing. Nevertheless many things i did without realizing had motivated and inspired many. Many messages wrote to me saying that i am a great person with personality and so on. This is something that means alot to me. Something that i read any time i have and they motivated me alot too. I couldnt find the words to describe the whole thing but the satisfaction and motivation with the heart shaking is just incredible.
I am really glad to meet all this people and couldnt thank them more for motivating me again and i dont know how more to thank them for all the joy they bring to my heart.
THe other part that i said is hard for me inside is to actually face him for 1 whole week without anything said. Looking at him along with the rest has actually motivated me yet it hurts inside to be so distance in the sense that no hi, bye or even smile.
Its funny and amazing realizing all this mixed feelings inside. Asked him if he were to appologize for what he said. At that instance he said no. Wordless... THen i decided to just ignore and forget about what we had and take it as if i never knew him. He is only my junior in AIESEC and that is it. Some came to say that the way i treated him is just so different in the sense that i treated him and everyone else the same. STill there to support and encourage. Well, no one knows how hard it is inside. Further more i was sleeping alone. Roomate decided not to attend hence am leaft alone. THe funny thing is i still couldnt cry.
Well, spend some time with michelle and i realize that i really care dearly for her. I could say that i actually love this girl and i will keep her for life and as dear dear sister of mine.
Well, after the conference he finally appologize but funny thing is i couldnt really accept it. i dont know why. Have made a decision to forget and let go of what ever memory or feelings of him and he is only to be my junior and that is it.
Well, i told michelle to try to understand what i am going to do next. Told her that i need my time. GUess that what i didnt say was what i am gonna do. Well, time and space is the clue. Couldnt exactly pour it in here cox i know she and him do read my blog. Well, guess that i did pour quite alot already yet there is still so much more that is left unsaid.
So much more to let out but couldnt find the sequence and the words.
Well, am clear that the perfect picture for all of us might be 3 of us happily together, may it be as friends or more. Yet again, i do wish that things could be that beautiful but i realize that i am not in condition to do so. ANd it is also not one's effort. Take the whole team. But i first have to allow myself to do so. DOnt know why i couldnt yet or maybe i just dont want to. First time that i am actually feeling like this and reacting like this. For the first time in my life am actually not gonna fight anymore even for frienship. First time in my life am just gonna discard. Funny..
Maybe time will change everything. Well, i will never know. All i can see is my own future, what i want in life and my friends.
Well, what ever it is i gave my words to her and i made certain decision for myself. So am just gonna be by it and focus on what i want for life while enjoying life with people around me that are worth keeping. Even the older people i met in the money and you seminar said that i am different and i can achieve things that i want in life. Well, a small matter like this is not gonna stop me.
Keep the one that is worth keeping and discard the ones that is not.
LIfe is beautiful and i know that i love everyone around me and they love me for who i am too..
Am happy that i have got so many to support me through anything at all.. people my age and also those who are much older yet sees so much in me.
THank you all... i dont know how else to thank you but am really glad that i know you guys.