lOsT oF wOrDs!!!

Lying here alone at home with the TV on. Parents went back home town, brother went out and not coming home tonight. Plans all cancelled.. Sometimes i hate this feeling of being alone yet sometimes i do need my own time to chill and breath.. But not tonight. Sitting here feeling the pain and emptiness leaves me lost and helpless.
Something just pierce through my heart last night. Cant help feeling silly again. Things were predicted when i went for it. And the funniest thing is, never thought that i am kinda accurate. A friend asked me how could i know/predict. I myself dont know the answer to that. Is either he is that predictable which means he is easy to understand or i am sensitive. Never know.
Well, i realize that i have been too hard.. too hard in doing the things that i thought is right. I still dont know wheter is it right or wrong. I do realize that i pushed him to the wall, maybe because of that he could be so cold and cruel. Nevertheless, one thing that i didnt thought of is that i will be humiliated.
I dont know what i am actually feeling now. I dont know wheter i am angry. I dont know wheter i am sad or disappointed. I dont even know if i will be able to forgive him. To a certain extend i just felt so silly and felt like i have been cheated right from the begining. But i dont know... i dont know.. Everything seems to keep on playing around in my mind.. Seems so lost... All i know and that i can acknowledge is the piercing pain in the heart and the constant chest discomfort. Even if so, i dont know what can i do to release it and let go. Usually i could cry, blab blab blab or scream to get it off my chest, but then i dont know why i cant cry, i couldnt put much in words and i cant even scream it out. And usually forgiving and forgeting and letting go is so easy.. But now, i dont know why.
Then i actually question my worth, my value. Then a friend enlighten me. It makes me think back. Yeah! i am willing to accept that i also had made mistakes. I am willing accept the differences and try to work things out. But then if the other party is not willing to, then i know that party is not worth it, hence why should i question my value. What value is there even to a friendship if one party does not want to fight for it?
Well, there is so much that is running in my mind. Thought that i could try blabbing it all out here. But then, seems like i dont know what else to say anymore nor do i know how to put things in words.
Funny though, usually i can put things out easily especially verbally. This is the first time that i realized that i am stuck. And i wonder why.. Well, guess that i myself have to chill and cool down.
Yet again, am checking into the conference tomorrow. Gotta face him one whole week, i dont know how mush emotional roller coaster gonna happen nor do i know how to face him. Dont know wheter i should just take as if he is invisible and dont acknowledge him or should i just pretend with a bloody thick face.. I dont know...
I dont know how it say anymore..
Guess that maybe silence is golden....