FeAr?!?!?

Went out with a dear friend whom have always understand me and my situation. Really thank God for bringing this gurl into my life. Although the time that we knew each other is short but this is the only gal who actually understands. We are so different yet similiar.. It is funny... but Amazing..
Well a little more pieces cleared up after talking to her.
She reminded me that actions speaks louder that words. And this reminds me that words is a tool that could kill someone or build someone. Well, guess that i should have just ponder and just act as i think what is right. No use telling anymore. Nothing seems to be able to change just by words.
Matter of fact i already told him dont and not to reconsider having it again. And its funny when many gals and i always said that we just wanna become friends. Well how many of us are really true?
I dont know.. Yet to find out. Well for me, i have said that he is not only a bf to me but also a friend. Hence, the change of status doesnt not make any difference although i want to have more. At the end of the day, we still have the essence of us.
But now, fear seems to be hitting me. Fear that he would not call me back into his life. Fear that it will be all gone even the friendship. At this point, we are both heated thinking in our own way. The fear also hits me of what and how should i act when i see him if he doesnt calls be back into the friendship?
Things were very simple to me even after it ends. Although i break down a while, i am up and realize many things and had been glad with things. Messaged and call him as usual. At times do call him in the middle of the night when i needed a friend to talk to. Well, to certain extend his definition and my definition of friends is different and my mind tends to complicate it.
Well, there is many ways to get him back into the relationship or friendship. Analizing certain things with words of ponder by my dear friend, i can do something to get him back. But yet, i dont want to. It is then no longer true, no longer a happy heart between us. Knowing that the things i can do to psycho him, just make me realize that this is not want i want to do.
If he were to step back in is with his pure heart and mind with his own willingness. Even as a friend that we wants to keep, he should step back in himself. All this time, i have always put situations into him to ponder but that seems to be psychoing him and conforming him. Maybe, maybe i did it unintentionally. But i have never thought of doing so. I have always take things true and honest.
Well, it funny that i am finally pouring more in here. Seems like at least i could take it out of my heart. He may feel as a personal attack but i am not. I dont even know if he reads my blog.
Well, what ever will happen will happen. Fear is just a distraction.
Knowing myself, i nothing can stop me.
Life goes on no matter what and will just be flexible and will know how to deal with it when time comes.
Cheers!!
CaSt YoUr FeArS aSiDe AnD lOoK dEeP dOwN iNsIdE!!
ThE hErO iS wItHiN yOuRsElF!!!!

DiSaPpOiNtMeNt?!?!

After very much hassle of breaking up. It is rather funny that many who cares bout me was asked by me to stand by him. So funny that i am in return comforting those who cares and couldnt understand why. Well, to a certain extend i might be hiding, not wanting the others to pressure him or hurt him any further. Nevertheless, i just realize, my own actions is actually hurting him more. I realize that i didnt really understand him. i thought that we had something special, not only as a couple but as friends. But it seems to be only my expectation which makes me feel disappointed yet maybe i am selfish. He said his friends dont call him in the middle of the night unless is a life and death situation which requires him to rush to the scene immidiately. Hmm, when i first think back, my definition is so different. i did something stupid and selfish which telling him things from my persepctive. i have always offer anyone, friends my 24hours 7 days a week beep time. I will not change anything for him. I have always believe in supporting others to make this world a better place. Well, maybe it is just time to accept the differences. Then i found out that he actually compares me and her, not only after breakup. Thinking back right from the beginning he has been comparing. Although the outcome seems good, i dont feel happy. Seems like i have to meet up to a certain par set by him. It makes me feel like the whole thing for him is just a simple rebound and there is nothing special between us. I cannot deny that i am very disappointed and i did tear. But yet again, there is no one to be blame. i will take responsibilities for myself for letting myself face this, for allowing myself to once again rush into something.
Knowing that there is no brigthness of future, yet i allow my heart to take the risk with justifying that i wanna feel and make the best out of it. Well, maybe this is the consequences of my own actions. The worst is, i made him landed on the same path with a deeper cut. To a certain extend i feel i have not lose him at all. We are still friends. We could be better of good friends because we had shared something special. But then, realizing all this, had put myself in disappointment. I never really knew him. Well, have decided to leave till the time that he calls me back into his life may it be just friends, close/good friends or something deeper. All that is needed in this is time.
Yet again, NLDS is coming up. Is this sunday that we are all checking in to the precamp. We will have to face each other for a week. And i dont know what to do now. I dont know wheter i should just pull out. I am scared. Scared seing him depress. Scared of myself feeling awkard and sad. Even if i stay on and attend, what should i do when i see him? Should i just avoid and not talk to him? Should i just pretended like nothing happen at all and just talk to him? All this are avoiding. What? What is the best resolution for this?
I asked him how was he feeling. He couldnt tell me, only then i found out that he is actually stressed. Well, all this are my own assumptions. I may analize it wrongly. But what can i do to know? What can i do to know how to deal with this, not knowing what he actually thinks and feel? All i needed is just a little talk with him, to clear all those uncertain bout the both of us. But how? He wouldnt talk? He is not ready. Most of the time he just keep quiet, then a sudden blast. How? I wish that someone, God maybe can just come and tell me the answer. But then, every single things that happen in life is my own responsibilities. The answer is only between us and within us. Even if he honestly tell me certain things i would accept and take in my responsibilities and think of a solution. But then.. i will never know when, how, what, why and so on. Guess that i will just have to deal this myself and find an answer only for myself, and will avoid hurting him in anyway.
Attended an amazing seminar, had a breakthrough and realize many things. It is a no regret paying so much for this seminar. It is inline with what i ahve always wanted to, make this a better place where everyone is considerate about everyone and no one wins or loses in any situation. It develops wealth and most importantly you within yourself and also relationship. In this situation of mine, i feel like it is a win/lose situation. And i have been wondering how to create a win/win situation. Then i realize that, although i want to, i will need him to also want it. If everyone only for themselves then situations will definitely remain win/lose. They thought us this in a very hard lesson. Words that really hits many of us in the seminar. The facilitator put us in a game, from the game itself some would think of others and try to win togeter, some only want to win for themselves. Then he puts everyone and i in a state of thinking, is winning myself is all that counts? Just because i want to win i put someone else suffering? Have we actually thought of the consequences of being selfish?
The seminar made me realize that there are many things to ponder. Would wanna share all this with everyone. It does help make me a better person and help everyone who wants to be a better person and it strives to make this world a better place. Am glad am really glad. With the people that i met there, although the time is really short but we shared alot and help each other alot. Thank you all for being there to support me.
Thinking back of everything and reflects back on reality, i am now thinking of a solution rather than just compromising that will hurt me deeper at the end. But how can i do so when the other party doesnt wanna find a solution? Dealing with myself, is just me compromising. Although i dont mind compromising but it is true that it will come back and hit me at some point. I know i am no one to force others to do things out of their own will but i do really hope and pray that we will be allowed to deal with this together rather then waste it all by just avoiding and leave one party at the losing end.
Well, what ever it is, it is not wrong to feel all this emotions. Emotions are humankind experience. Somehow or rather i know, i will find the solutions.
Well, what ever it is, although i am lost. Although some think that i am stupid.
I still have faith in him. I am a woman of integrity and i will carry out my promise and i will be there for him if he needs me although i am out of his path.
I have losta love in me and will share it with everyone in my life.
Confidence is Love,
Love is Truth,
Truth is Peace,
Peace is Bliss.

LoVe!!!

Mysteries of life. Many and i also dont understand how life actually works. Many dont understand what others think and act. Many dont understand why certain things happen. Guess that is why life is for us to explore.
Many objected and many also supported us when things begin. Many dont see it but yet some still stood by and support. When circumstances part us, many were shocked and didnt understand. Some felt like its unfair to me, some felt like it is not true. Thinking back, many thought that we were compatible and we make a perfect pair. Well, guess that many things in life just dont seems like the way it is. Hmm.. another mysteries of life.
I am really touched and thankful for those who stood by me. Although not understand how i stood strong yet still concern and care.
Well, things are rather simple now.
Loving someone doesnt mean that you have to own him/her.
Loving somone would make you happy when you see him/her happy.
There is a saying that goes
Dont shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find:
The quickest way to recieve love is to give love,
The fatest way to lose love is to hold on too tightly,
And the best way to keep love is to give it wings.
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous. Love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endure all things.
LOVE NEVER FAILS.
Do note that love is subjective and can be percept differently. Love for life, Love for family, love for friends.
Love constantly exist in many different ways.
ChErRiSh ThE lOvE yOu HaVe AnD sHaRe LoVe!!!

LiFe?!?!?! cHaLlEnGeS?!?!

here i am again. Letting go of a person whom i love and care. although the period is short but it seems so long and deep. Funny how life can be. Every challenges that is put forward by life gets more and more weird and though but funny in a way. For the first time in my life i thought that i am finally with someone who is more innocent and better. Someone whom i could rely on and trust. But right from the begining itself it is known that it would not work but yet made a pledge to make the best out of what we have. well, it is not like its all spoiled unless he is not able to face it. Its just that it would never be the same with the different status. But if we never lose anything maybe the friendship, then status doesnt really matters. Maybe its because of what i want. "I love you but i am not ready for a relationship". This is a really sad line yet happy wind to the ears. But it just feel sad that 2 souls who loves each other and falling into each other so deep cannot be together due to circumstances. Questions like why begin when its gonna be like this. It is in a way rather funny when you are already in a relationship then you are not ready for it. Pledge made can be just given up by one soul's decision. Is it selfish or is it for betterment of both? Yet again if one is uncertain wouldnt it be better to work it out together? But other circumstances is put into the situation despite the pledge. Well, despite all this wondering, i am letting go, hoping and praying with all my heart and soul he would be happy and would live the best of life. "I will stand by you darling regardless of anything even if it cuts deep down inside".
Well, another mystery of life. Why? Why would God put two loving souls together and yet not allow them to grow? Is he trying to teach us selflessness? Is he trying to teach us that you have to give wings to love and let it fly?
Personally i learnt that you dont have to own or be together with someone you love. Just being there making the person happy would bring more joy. Why wanna hang on when it is gonna hurt both soul?
Yet the questions always bug me why why would God keep on challenging me with all this? In my love life it has always been a challenge. It is not once or twice but times after times. Am amaze that i still have faith in God. Although fretting, i still believe that there is a blessings in disguise and there is a lesson to learn.
Well,many things in life, we just have to let go. Learning to let go, forgive and forget would make a difference in life. Maybe that is what Life is trying to teach me.
I want you to know i have never regret a single moment that i am with you.
And i was with my pure and true heart towards you and i still am.
Every single moment is carved deeply inside to be cherished, today, tomorrow and for eternity.
What ever happens, i will stay as your good friend and i will stand by you darling!
Open up and live your life to the fullest ok?
Make the best out of it and dont carry regrets with you.
I will be here whenever you need me and i will help you through it.
I LOVE YOU AND I WILL ALWAYS DO!