DiSaPpOiNtMeNt?!?!

After very much hassle of breaking up. It is rather funny that many who cares bout me was asked by me to stand by him. So funny that i am in return comforting those who cares and couldnt understand why. Well, to a certain extend i might be hiding, not wanting the others to pressure him or hurt him any further. Nevertheless, i just realize, my own actions is actually hurting him more. I realize that i didnt really understand him. i thought that we had something special, not only as a couple but as friends. But it seems to be only my expectation which makes me feel disappointed yet maybe i am selfish. He said his friends dont call him in the middle of the night unless is a life and death situation which requires him to rush to the scene immidiately. Hmm, when i first think back, my definition is so different. i did something stupid and selfish which telling him things from my persepctive. i have always offer anyone, friends my 24hours 7 days a week beep time. I will not change anything for him. I have always believe in supporting others to make this world a better place. Well, maybe it is just time to accept the differences. Then i found out that he actually compares me and her, not only after breakup. Thinking back right from the beginning he has been comparing. Although the outcome seems good, i dont feel happy. Seems like i have to meet up to a certain par set by him. It makes me feel like the whole thing for him is just a simple rebound and there is nothing special between us. I cannot deny that i am very disappointed and i did tear. But yet again, there is no one to be blame. i will take responsibilities for myself for letting myself face this, for allowing myself to once again rush into something.
Knowing that there is no brigthness of future, yet i allow my heart to take the risk with justifying that i wanna feel and make the best out of it. Well, maybe this is the consequences of my own actions. The worst is, i made him landed on the same path with a deeper cut. To a certain extend i feel i have not lose him at all. We are still friends. We could be better of good friends because we had shared something special. But then, realizing all this, had put myself in disappointment. I never really knew him. Well, have decided to leave till the time that he calls me back into his life may it be just friends, close/good friends or something deeper. All that is needed in this is time.
Yet again, NLDS is coming up. Is this sunday that we are all checking in to the precamp. We will have to face each other for a week. And i dont know what to do now. I dont know wheter i should just pull out. I am scared. Scared seing him depress. Scared of myself feeling awkard and sad. Even if i stay on and attend, what should i do when i see him? Should i just avoid and not talk to him? Should i just pretended like nothing happen at all and just talk to him? All this are avoiding. What? What is the best resolution for this?
I asked him how was he feeling. He couldnt tell me, only then i found out that he is actually stressed. Well, all this are my own assumptions. I may analize it wrongly. But what can i do to know? What can i do to know how to deal with this, not knowing what he actually thinks and feel? All i needed is just a little talk with him, to clear all those uncertain bout the both of us. But how? He wouldnt talk? He is not ready. Most of the time he just keep quiet, then a sudden blast. How? I wish that someone, God maybe can just come and tell me the answer. But then, every single things that happen in life is my own responsibilities. The answer is only between us and within us. Even if he honestly tell me certain things i would accept and take in my responsibilities and think of a solution. But then.. i will never know when, how, what, why and so on. Guess that i will just have to deal this myself and find an answer only for myself, and will avoid hurting him in anyway.
Attended an amazing seminar, had a breakthrough and realize many things. It is a no regret paying so much for this seminar. It is inline with what i ahve always wanted to, make this a better place where everyone is considerate about everyone and no one wins or loses in any situation. It develops wealth and most importantly you within yourself and also relationship. In this situation of mine, i feel like it is a win/lose situation. And i have been wondering how to create a win/win situation. Then i realize that, although i want to, i will need him to also want it. If everyone only for themselves then situations will definitely remain win/lose. They thought us this in a very hard lesson. Words that really hits many of us in the seminar. The facilitator put us in a game, from the game itself some would think of others and try to win togeter, some only want to win for themselves. Then he puts everyone and i in a state of thinking, is winning myself is all that counts? Just because i want to win i put someone else suffering? Have we actually thought of the consequences of being selfish?
The seminar made me realize that there are many things to ponder. Would wanna share all this with everyone. It does help make me a better person and help everyone who wants to be a better person and it strives to make this world a better place. Am glad am really glad. With the people that i met there, although the time is really short but we shared alot and help each other alot. Thank you all for being there to support me.
Thinking back of everything and reflects back on reality, i am now thinking of a solution rather than just compromising that will hurt me deeper at the end. But how can i do so when the other party doesnt wanna find a solution? Dealing with myself, is just me compromising. Although i dont mind compromising but it is true that it will come back and hit me at some point. I know i am no one to force others to do things out of their own will but i do really hope and pray that we will be allowed to deal with this together rather then waste it all by just avoiding and leave one party at the losing end.
Well, what ever it is, it is not wrong to feel all this emotions. Emotions are humankind experience. Somehow or rather i know, i will find the solutions.
Well, what ever it is, although i am lost. Although some think that i am stupid.
I still have faith in him. I am a woman of integrity and i will carry out my promise and i will be there for him if he needs me although i am out of his path.
I have losta love in me and will share it with everyone in my life.
Confidence is Love,
Love is Truth,
Truth is Peace,
Peace is Bliss.