Seen this thing sometime ago but wasnt really keen in trying it out. This morning, dont know what struck me while i was checking out a friend's site, i decided to just play and see how it turns out.
Ladies and gentlemen! Here is the results...........
| http://www.myheritage.com |
| http://www.myheritage.com |
1.30am. Couldnt sleep for unknown reasons. Mind is wondering about everything. Heart messing around for uncertain reasons.
Been waking up at certain time in the morning depsite late nights like today. Mornings seems such a routine now. Wake up, shift laptop to the table, check mails/work, make a few calls while looking through my organizer for the day's appointments and plans then shower and leave. After the morning routine everything else is impromtu. Total freedom!
Sounds much like a dream job to others that i get to work from home. Wake up much later, no morning traffic, lotsa freetime to hang around, late nights are permissible and total freedom. Well, there is always boons and banes in any case. Well, all the boons are stated as above but sometimes it is rather hard to find the motivation for the day to go on. I am rather certain that my motivation comes from people. I love working with people. I love to go through rainstorm and sunshine with people and achieve/complete the tasks together.
Well much of work focus is on the current project. To produce better recordings for my client, the Hop On Hop Off busses. Been scouting and scavenging for Voice Over talents for all the nine languages and also recording studio. In this case, everytime i hit a wall, my motivations drop. Yet again, a job is a job. And the bridge has been burnt by my dear client. So it is do or die. With the mindset of all or nothing, i continue to knock my head on one wall after another. Yet sometimes feeling unproductive. But i will definitely do my best!
The situation started when i was thrown into the deep end right from the begining due to my network. Dealing with this current project that i dont have a single idea what it is about. Audio recordings??? Studios?? Voice Over??? What my director told me was, the deep end is where you will learn. Many say there is where mistakes are permissible and much room for improvement.
Well, i would not deny that. I did much mistakes. Crying out loud for help after hitting one wall after another. Somehow, Thank God for sending me such sweet and nice clients and many helpful individuals. My dear clients have been very concerned about my stress level, how am i progressing and wheter i could cope. They have helped me much in climbing one wall after another. On the sideline, they have been inviting me for "drinks" with them on weekends which i have not allow myself to do so by stating that a clear line of work and social should be drawn. Yet one of them kept on asking me out on lunch or dinner which has not happen till today unless with the presence of my patners and their patners. But after much considering, there is no harm adding my clients into my social network which would inturn bring in more opportunities of business besides having another friend for a drink. Well, maybe would go for a drink or two with them someday.
Such a mundane entry. Well, for once it is about work although i have much ponderings still. Seems rather moodless to rant lately. Much of a silent ponderer lately.
The other new stitch is i have just submitted my resume/application to work abroad through AIESEC. Shall be confirming where i will be heading and when am i leaving in a month or two. Still feeling neutral despite the anxiety. Maybe then i will know more of me and the world. Maybe then my view would be challenged. Maybe then i would be a more complete person.
I wouldnt know. Still in midst.
Friendship in my very own dictionary has a very wide aspect. A few fact that i have come to known about friendship are;
1. Friends come and go, only true friend stays despite the distance and obstacles.
2. Some friends called you friends when you have a usage value.
3. Friends, True friends understands and respect each other.
4. There is no obligations in friendship, willingness and heartfulness is the key.
5. Friendship is something beautiful and to be cherished.
6. Friends support each other and elevate each other.
7. many many more... some maybe just my own willingness to do so...
People once asked me, who are your true friends. At one point of my life i didnt know. I realized that i met and know a lot of people, so do everyone else. With the tonnes of numbers saved in my mobile phone and tonnes of name cards kept, i could not find a person whom i was willing to call out in time of need.
A fact about me, i would keep as much friends as i could. I get emotionally attached and closed with new friends very fast. But yet in time of need i couldnt call anyone just shows how much of me i actually let out for people to know. Well, maybe it is my personal barrier.
Somehow, i know my tolerance within friendship is rather high in times of storm. I would keep my promise of being there as much as i can. Just dont take advantage of my softness and tolerance. I have no obligations. I have a right to stand on my own decisions.
*arghh* Don't know why a sudden hold back within me now thinking about friendship. A feel of a little suffocation at times. What is wrong with me? Will i ever have true friends that would accept me as who i am, listening to all my bitching and my dirtiest confessions and yet not judge me?
-looking upon the star wishing for joy and love for every single friend of mine out there. May you be close to me or just an aquaintance, i hope that you are blessed with much love and joy-
Here goes the thoughts again. The over analyzing part of me. The making a mountain out of molehill part of me.
Well, i realized that my drama hook is actually men. To be more specific my drama hook lies in the game of attractions between genders. A lot said i am rather flirtacious. Well, even if i am, i don't realize it. It seems to be just me socializing. But i guess sometimes i maybe too open or maybe blur(speak before thinking). Somehow or rather, this has been told to me and for me to realize sometime ago and i seems to have accepted it as who i am. Constantly socializing and flirting. In a way, it is no harm but i have to know my boundaries. But the struggle within me is my boundaries seems to be way off the supposed boundaries which time after time made me question myself.
I do admit that i like to play games especially in the arena of flirting and I also do admit that i get infactuated very easily. I could like someone as easy as changing my clothes. Well, this part of it is not much of a problem, infactuations are just a little bitsy of fun. But the confusing part of me is i often get confused somehow or rather in the midst of the game.
I realized sometimes i decieved myself into having feelings for the person. Sometimes i wonder where is the game bringing me to. Funny, knowing and playing the game, clearly seing the line, why do i still get caught in this?
Someone once said to me, maybe i like being love. Maybe i like being like, being paid attention. But is this who i really am? Is this what i am gonna go on doing? Playing the game one after another? If it is so, when will i ever rest since i am feeling the tiredness?
Well, maybe i am looking too hard. Looking for the king of my heart. The comfort shoulder and the spices of my days.
Despite much bitter past, somehow i still believe. But i am sensing the start of the tiredness to still believe.
Maybe what i have always percieved is coming true. I may just end up alone. I may have a companion but maybe still much alone within.
Tiredness and much questioning has much affected my self-esteem and slowly turning me into a rat. *sighz*
6 sisters on the road!
Afternoon dessert.
Showing off the sign board as a proof that we were at Teluk Gong.
The surprise birthday cake!
Finally with the 7th sisters.
Kitti, Audrey, Regina, Kelvin(7th sisters), YenYung, Valerie, Yvonne
Thank you gurls! Love ya loads!
The very next day, we headed to Perhentian Island for the weekend. Had lotsa fun and as usual nonstop laughters and sillyness.
*ps: dont mind my messyness of thoughts, powderful ingland and probably typo. Having insomia with 3 more hours to sleep before waking up for meeting. And body has been rejecting food for few days. God knows why*
Been some time since i last sat down and blog. For the past 2 months, it is weird that i dont feel like blogging despite so many new happenings. The itch and urge to blog did not hit me at all. Just sometimes a little thought of obligation to update my blog or maybe write something which i couldnt put in words. And i did not visit any of my pals blog as well despite wanting to know how are they doing and what is new with them. Wondering what is up with me? Well, maybe i am tired of ranting, maybe i am in the process of rebirthing. Maybe i needed a little time for myself thoughts, maybe i am just avoiding something.
Lets flashback and look into the month of May and June. Done with my exams for my final year. Got my results and i am OK with it although the funny thing is it is written in the results slip that they send to my house that i 'lulus dengan kepujian' which i dont understand what that means. I thought now they dont have the class segregation anymore. Rather confusing. Well, why bother. All i know is i am graduating and i am waiting for my convocation in the first week of September.
Not long after my final papers, i joined a new company called Atmic World (M) Sdn Bhd. Their product is funnily known as STARFISH is a GPRS/GSM integrated advanced vehicle tracking systems. Initially i was only in for training and to fill in my time doing something more fruitful while waiting for convocation then go off for my traineeship in a foreign country. The training puts me in a situation without any salary but only commission if i sell their product. So basically it sounds like sales. Well, the funny part is i go out for appointments with my CEO and Managing Director and they usually pick me up instead of me driving. How fun is that? But as i go on, seems like i am given a tittle of project executive and one of my first actual task was to organize the launch of our product. The launch was a little messy i have to say but i managed to get hold of the Star reporters and they did me a great favor by publishing my news 2 days after my launch. Salute to Michelle and MJ!
Well, all in all everything sounds OK but at one point there is a misunderstanding between my CEO and I. But after the occasion of our launch and product noted in the newspaper, he finally sat down, explain and clarify. Well, and he indicated of retaining me. Weird thing is, i am not even employed. I seems to have just joined a group of men in their process of setting up and running their business. From his explanation is i should not be addressing them as my bosses but team mates or mentor. In a certain way he said that once the company is stable he will support me in many ways. In another aspect sounds like he is offering me a patnership. Well, all in all he knows that i want to leave after my convocation for traineeship abroad. Sometimes i wonder if he is just saying to retain me or he is really serious about it. But i know what ever it is now, i have put my words and i will deliver it by doing my best till the day which i really have to leave. Even if i do leave at somepoint, he knows that i am interested in taking this product to a higher extend to the international market starting from where i am heading next. All in all, sounds like a good business opportunity for me. ;)
People, do visit www.my-starfish.com to know more of what i am dealing with.
Let me see what else happened. Throughout this 2 months it seems like it is reunion time. Been bumping into my old friends which i have not seen for ages. People from primary school to the guys and gurls from a different school in secondary and some from my form 6 in KTAR. Then been clubbing almost every weekend. And i tried something new which i did not thought i would have the courage to try it. Well, that caused me hell for few days.
The other good news is i met a lovely lady named Tricia and we clicked easily since we first met. We hung out quite often, actually i would say rather often. Been cooking together, drink and had lotsa fun. We even elevated our status to be sisters and we intended to go through the ceremony of being actual sisters. But i guess, the chinese beliefs has too much in it which i do not understand. Well no matter what, i gave my words of she is my sister and i will stand by her through sunshine or rain, i will take responsible of it. And this sweet sister of mine shares the same star as i do and celebrates her birthday together with me. She is so lovely to throw a house birthday party with a few nice people at her place for me and also herself. It is really sweet or her to throw the party with me and to give me a priceless gift which i will definitely cherish.
All in all, i already had my first face of my birthday celebrations with my dear sister, Tricia and the group is going for an eating trip coming tuesday. If i am not sensing wrong they maybe up to something. But will see if they play the game better than i do. It is too sweet of them to do so but i just wanna mess around with them... ;) and then we are heading to perhentian for another phase of celebrations and embracing our freedom and holidays and not forgeting our togetherness..
Cheers to all the fantastic and lovely people and thank you God for all the great happenings.
Will fill up more on what happen for my birthday. ;)
I have been doing a lot of thinking and self realization. Been shutting myself off from calls, mails and even blog. Till now. I need to start taking baby steps to make the changes.
I realized that there is a lot of things that has been submerged deep within me for so many years, things that i need to let go. Let go and allow me to be myself again.
What i feel like saying (WIFLS) is that now i really need someone to talk to, someone whom are willingly to support me and let me allow you to go deep inside my life, the dark side that i have always hide behind the laughters and act.
All my life, i have not really let anyone at all to go too deep inside my life, i have not allow myself to cry on other shoulder accept for my own, i have not allow anyone to fully support me through my rough times. I need someone whom will allow me to breakdown and support me through.
My close friends may know bits and pieces of happenings, but not every single detail, not the whole actual picture.
I am afraid, I am afraid of being judge, i am afraid to trust and be broken. I am afraid to show my ugly sides, afraid to confess all the bad things i have done, afraid to let myself be damaged by this powerful emotions and allow myself to heal and rebirth.
Even as i write now, i could feel a struggle within me, a part of me want to blab everything out here, but something inside my heart feels heavy and restricted. Can feel the knock inside to burst through this thick wall that i have build through the years.
I really want to put everything out on my realization, say everything out and be supported, cry and be destroy by this emotion in the process of letting it go.
I thought that self realization is sufficient. Then Joe, my dear superlogs supervisor during money and you April 2007 now my great friend, gave me a very big tap. Thank you Joe. Now i know realizing it is not enough, i need to let go and the process of letting go may require what i said i need.
I feel like i need a long and great WIFLS session. I need to break this wall into pieces. I need to let go off all these anger and pain within my body and soul. I need to cry and scream it all out.
I need to get off from this shell, i cannot go on acting anymore. I cannot go on denying anymore. I need to let go. I need to be supported. I need to get this off my chest. I cannot go on like this anymore. This is not me. I want to be me, Miss Chang Kit Ti.
*oh my gosh, this is the first time i am crying out loud for support. and while calling out now i just feel arghhhhh!!! Could feel every inch of arghhh through my body and hands now...
ARRRGGHHHH!!!*
Woke up early although slept very late. Woke up with a call of work, never ending assignments. But what pops into my mind this early morning are my thoughts of life, love. Still feeling the pinch of pain within me, knowing that i am sinking into depression or maybe a start of an act. Acting that i am alright and that i am strong. Still laughing and smiling although deep down inside i am unhappy.
Pondering on life, flashbacks on many agendas in my life, i came to realized that in any situation i am a very emotional person, a girl whom feel for family, people, friends, things, anything at all easily. A girl who is constantly fighting the reality, a girl whom still believe, believe that things are beautiful and life is beautiful. Although knowing that life goes on regardless of anything as long as i am still breathing but is this what i want in life? Just to go on walking through life aimlessly and succumbing to the reality that i am unhappy about?
Although i have plans and aims to achieve certain things in life, in the sense of career. Although i said at the end of my life all i need are my own kids and my life but i know deep down inside, i want to spend my life with someone special, someone whom i can call as my love, the father of my kids and the king of my life. i constantly say that i only need a guy, only one who sees love as silly as i am. Someone whom will go through all odds and never give up. Well, maybe there is no one who thinks naively as i do, no one actually believe in the purity of love, no one believe in sacrificing for love. Or maybe my thoughts are just too idealistic and its only bound within my world, a world that seems different or maybe naive to others.
Sometimes is just rather funny, the career part of my life and the love part of my life constantly seems contradicting. Well maybe i am too idealistic, thinking and still believing that life is all beautiful and everything can be just perfect. Realistically life is not as simple as we all want it to be, life may not be as beautiful.
Funny thing is i still try to fight against that, try to make things simple, try to believe and trust in the beauty of love but somehow or rather it always turns out more complicated. Sometimes i could never understand why things happen, why decisions are made that way and why certain things must happen. Well, i don't know, is it because i really do not understand or is because i choose not to understand?
One thing for sure, as always said upsets are opportunities to learn the truth and the truth in my life is, the constant pain within me that none really understand or should i say know is due to the idealist within me whom wants and keeps on trying, knocking my head into one wall after another to create an idealistic world of mine with everyone around me against the reality. I came to accept the fact that everyone is different, everyone is striving for different things and everyone's definition of a beautiful is just different.
Sometimes i wonder am i too stubborn, am i too childish, am i too selfish? But sometimes i wonder am i really that idealistic when at times i do succumb to the reality which is called as life? Seems like through years, i am developing into a more complicated creature within, a complicated creature that i don't understand or know anymore. I realized that sometimes, my mind and heart could say a certain things, things that is more common and acceptable by others but somehow or rather my actions tends to be different. And this causes more confusion within me, a constant struggle to practice what i preach, a constant attempt to be perfect. Somehow or rather i realized that many of my actions are not understood by others, my intentions are constantly misunderstood and i am always an outcast.
Now i wonder, how ever could i be out there motivating and advising those who came to me when i am in a constant struggle within. How did i actually portray myself to be a confident woman with substance as said my some dear friends of mine and be respected? Are all these fake? Or is it just different elements in my life? The next ponder is do i know what i should do or am i just ranting? But i could not deny anymore that all these and more are a constant struggle within me. There bound to be something that bothers me may it be people, issues, friends, problems, family and a lot more.
What ever is wrong with me? I wonder how could i actually smile, laugh and laugh when i am with others but when i start pondering again, everything just comes out a mess. But i realized that simple things can amaze me, touch me or even make me happy, smile and laugh. I realized that although life has challenged me time after time, till today i still believe, believe in those whom has hurt me, believe in friends and also those who takes me as enemy or uneasy of me, believe in the purity of love and believe that life is still beautiful.
But even if i believe, is it enough? Even if i have what i think i want, would i ever be happy? What is happiness? What is love? What is life?
Time after time i just wonder, why are my emotions so weak? Why do i let myself fall once after another? Are all these happening meant to make me stronger? Or is it trying to turn me into some one cold? Why the never ending tumbles and pain? At times i wonder, am i a lab rat for one to realized things in life? At times i wonder if i have to be the one hurting for others to be jolly? But it is never easy for either side and constantly hurts both side. Then why the hurt?
Sometimes, i just wonder how could i disregard my emotions, emotions that are so weak comparatively to my stubborn mind and character? Or maybe how could i find the balance between both? Such an irony within a soul.
Now caught in between passion and love, is there such happenings? Do one have to let go of love or passion to gain the other? Is it always a choice in ones life? What ever happen to balance?
Aren't passion and love in life comes hand in hand?
Isn't love suppose to elevate your passion and vice versa?
I realized that i have been more reserved lately, many things are mostly kept inside instead of the usual me of ranting it all out. Wondering why a sudden change within me, keeping all the pain and tears behind my doors. Am i starting to build a wall around me? Am i living my life an act now? Laughing and gaying while it still hurts inside?
What ever happens to the gurl who truly laugh and smile sincerely?
Dear God, can you give me an answer? or even save me from this depression and pain within?