lIFe!!!

"Life is just so fragile. We wouldn't know if we survive tomorrow. Just want you to know, make the best out of everyday. Let bygones be bygones. Sorry if i have done you wrong. Let us start a brand new story, making the best out of our time. This message is send in memory of my 20 year old friend, Calvin Teo who has just left us this very morning. 19th August 2007."

Those were the words that was send out to most of my friends this very morning. A little reminder to all of us that life is fragile and unpredictable. We would never know what will happen tomorrow. As they say, the future is not ours to see.
Hence, we should all start living each day to the fullest, living no regrets at the end of our lives.

Been pondering the whole day today. Guess that i am pretty much affected. Calvin died of cancer and a few of my aunties were diagnose with breast cancer. So many unpleasant news coming in within such a short period of time. Made me feel rather helpless. The whole day of reflection and pondering. There is so much thoughts that i wanted to pour out here. Been thinking of so many incidences and a better way to jot it all here and share. Share and build all of us. But it seems like i couldnt put my thoughts and words properly.

I am not fretting nor am i ranting. Just that much ponders made me realized that life is really short, fragile and unpredictable. Reflecting on my own life, i realized that i have been making mountain out of mole hills. I have been taking my life for granted and have not been making the best out of everyday, every single moment.

Many were born everyday and many depart everyday. Life and death is such a mystery. A jigsaw puzzle for every single one of us to put together. Non knows how it actually works till the very last moment. But the very last moments are often too late to share and hence life goes on as a mystery and adventure for us to explore.

I made a pledge today. I made a pledge to myself to start cherishing every single moment of ups and downs in my life. I pledge to make the best out of everyday, every moment of my life. I pledge to continue sharing and bring more happiness to myself and people around me. I pledge to love myself and everyone around me. I, Chang Kit Ti pledge to live my life to the fullest!

Calvin's departure is not a great loss, but a great lesson. Something to be shared with everyone around me as well. His presence will always be remembered.
His strive will always be an inspiration. His departure will always be a reminder.

Calvin, although i don't know you well, but you have pretty much touched our lives. Reminding us on our own lives. Reminding us that we should live our lives to the fullest. Your departure is matter of fact a blessing in diguise and a lesson to be remembered. I guess now, you are near to God, watching over us, showering us with your heartful blessings. May you rest in peace.

i Am WhO i Am!

Another rare occasion. A sudden urge of blogging nonstop.
Mind and emotions are rather messy today.
Initially this entry is intended to sound of anger. An entry of warning. An entry of f**king those b*****ds.
But it seems like my soft points has taken over the anger. My silliness once again locked my own emotions.
Myself blame once again turned the scenario around, feeling that it is my own choice and my own decision, my own fault.
Constant self blame is consuming more and more of my soul.
Self realization - improvements
Self blame - rants and destruction
Seing the distinction, i should be able to start on my improvements rather than go on ranting and destructing myself.

Somehow, i still feel like ranting, i feel like quarantining myself , feel like lashing all my anger and frustration.
I am upset, upset and tired of all the games and conflicts. Tired of all the people whom took advantage of my softness. Upset with all the game of attractions and lust.
Sick and tired of my own stupidity. Sick and tired of my insecurities and fear. Sick and tired of pretending, pretending to be strong, to be bold to be who i am not.
Argh!!!!
Enough is enough.

No more pretending. No more succumbing. No more faking. No more pleasing beyond my boundaries. No more hiding.
I am gonna be who i am. I am gonna allow my own emotions to flow. I am gonna be honest and true to myself.
I am who i am. I feel how i feel. I am the master of my own life.

dOeS iT eXiStS?!?

They often say that dramas/movies are often reflection of reality.
Been watching some silly chinese romance drama. Yes "chinsese" drama. Although many of you know that i am not much literate in the chinese language but i am still
chinese and i do understand the language fairly. Just maybe i am not able to converse well.

I realized that every romance drama may it be taiwanese, korean or japanese, the story lines are often similiar. Complex love triangle, one drama after another, sacrifices, silent heartaches, extremely romantic love pursues, status differences,
faith, believes and bla bla bla.

Somehow or rather the stories seems rather fake to me. I wonder if such happenings do happen in reality?

Does it really happen in reality that one would sacrifice so much for another in the name of love? Sacrificing beyond status and life?
Does it happen in reality that one would love another silently, hiding all the heartaches to help the one loved to pursue another love?
Does all the silly but extremely romantic luxurious dates really happen in reality?
Can all the touching lines and philosphies be applied in reality?
Does such love purity exists?

I wonder, i really wonder. Maybe i have not seen or heard before of such happenings in my 23 year old of life.
Weirdly, somehow i would feel a pinch of heartache every single time.
Seems much of the purity of love reflects on my romantic idealistic pursues.
But will it ever happen for me?
Can all the drama in my reality just perish?
Will it ever be simple and pure?
Will there be someone whom will be as silly as i am?
Does it even exists???

mAyBe...

Here it goes again! Another happening, another flow of emotions, another realization.
Heard a song when i was watching a silly chinese romance drama, song seems to be one of the root of my misery. One of the contributing factor to my darker side. Sounds of my fear and heartache.
Rarely of me confessing in detail but i believe this is a good start of me accepting that i actually am feeling so and a good begining for me to change.

Eric Carmen - All By Myself
When i was young
I never needed anyone
And makin' love was just for fun
Those days are gone

Livin' alone
I think of all the friends i've known
But when i dial the telephone
Nobody's home

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
All by myself anymore

Hard to be sure
Some times i feel so insecure
And love so distant and obscure
Remains the cure

All by myself
Don't wanna be
All by myself anymore
All by myself
Don't wanna live
All by myself anymore

Well, i guess i should not deny anymore that i don't wanna be all by myself. I could not deny that this fear leads me to one companion after another. Sillily allowed myself to fall deeper into the pit every single time of retreat. One after another, heartahce after heartache, stupidity after stupidity has caused much of my self value, esteem and believes.
A gurl whom have always fake self confidence now could not pretend anymore. Much has been blowned away. What is left is only the little strength that still go on fighting and believing through the darkness and fear.

"What you resists persists"
Maybe this pharase is pretty much true. Maybe i have been resisting too much. Maybe i have been feeling too much.
Maybe...

me???

Seen this thing sometime ago but wasnt really keen in trying it out. This morning, dont know what struck me while i was checking out a friend's site, i decided to just play and see how it turns out.
Ladies and gentlemen! Here is the results...........

http://www.myheritage.com

Here is a second attempt... Just checking out if there are repititions... hahaha

http://www.myheritage.com

funny huh?? me looking like them??
Well, it is all for the fun!!!
adios!

wOrK?!?!?

1.30am. Couldnt sleep for unknown reasons. Mind is wondering about everything. Heart messing around for uncertain reasons.
Been waking up at certain time in the morning depsite late nights like today. Mornings seems such a routine now. Wake up, shift laptop to the table, check mails/work, make a few calls while looking through my organizer for the day's appointments and plans then shower and leave. After the morning routine everything else is impromtu. Total freedom!
Sounds much like a dream job to others that i get to work from home. Wake up much later, no morning traffic, lotsa freetime to hang around, late nights are permissible and total freedom. Well, there is always boons and banes in any case. Well, all the boons are stated as above but sometimes it is rather hard to find the motivation for the day to go on. I am rather certain that my motivation comes from people. I love working with people. I love to go through rainstorm and sunshine with people and achieve/complete the tasks together.

Well much of work focus is on the current project. To produce better recordings for my client, the Hop On Hop Off busses. Been scouting and scavenging for Voice Over talents for all the nine languages and also recording studio. In this case, everytime i hit a wall, my motivations drop. Yet again, a job is a job. And the bridge has been burnt by my dear client. So it is do or die. With the mindset of all or nothing, i continue to knock my head on one wall after another. Yet sometimes feeling unproductive. But i will definitely do my best!
The situation started when i was thrown into the deep end right from the begining due to my network. Dealing with this current project that i dont have a single idea what it is about. Audio recordings??? Studios?? Voice Over??? What my director told me was, the deep end is where you will learn. Many say there is where mistakes are permissible and much room for improvement.

Well, i would not deny that. I did much mistakes. Crying out loud for help after hitting one wall after another. Somehow, Thank God for sending me such sweet and nice clients and many helpful individuals. My dear clients have been very concerned about my stress level, how am i progressing and wheter i could cope. They have helped me much in climbing one wall after another. On the sideline, they have been inviting me for "drinks" with them on weekends which i have not allow myself to do so by stating that a clear line of work and social should be drawn. Yet one of them kept on asking me out on lunch or dinner which has not happen till today unless with the presence of my patners and their patners. But after much considering, there is no harm adding my clients into my social network which would inturn bring in more opportunities of business besides having another friend for a drink. Well, maybe would go for a drink or two with them someday.

Such a mundane entry. Well, for once it is about work although i have much ponderings still. Seems rather moodless to rant lately. Much of a silent ponderer lately.
The other new stitch is i have just submitted my resume/application to work abroad through AIESEC. Shall be confirming where i will be heading and when am i leaving in a month or two. Still feeling neutral despite the anxiety. Maybe then i will know more of me and the world. Maybe then my view would be challenged. Maybe then i would be a more complete person.
I wouldnt know. Still in midst.

fRiEnDsHiP vS oBlIgAtIoNs

Friendship in my very own dictionary has a very wide aspect. A few fact that i have come to known about friendship are;
1. Friends come and go, only true friend stays despite the distance and obstacles.
2. Some friends called you friends when you have a usage value.
3. Friends, True friends understands and respect each other.
4. There is no obligations in friendship, willingness and heartfulness is the key.
5. Friendship is something beautiful and to be cherished.
6. Friends support each other and elevate each other.
7. many many more... some maybe just my own willingness to do so...

People once asked me, who are your true friends. At one point of my life i didnt know. I realized that i met and know a lot of people, so do everyone else. With the tonnes of numbers saved in my mobile phone and tonnes of name cards kept, i could not find a person whom i was willing to call out in time of need.
A fact about me, i would keep as much friends as i could. I get emotionally attached and closed with new friends very fast. But yet in time of need i couldnt call anyone just shows how much of me i actually let out for people to know. Well, maybe it is my personal barrier.

Somehow, i know my tolerance within friendship is rather high in times of storm. I would keep my promise of being there as much as i can. Just dont take advantage of my softness and tolerance. I have no obligations. I have a right to stand on my own decisions.

*arghh* Don't know why a sudden hold back within me now thinking about friendship. A feel of a little suffocation at times. What is wrong with me? Will i ever have true friends that would accept me as who i am, listening to all my bitching and my dirtiest confessions and yet not judge me?

-looking upon the star wishing for joy and love for every single friend of mine out there. May you be close to me or just an aquaintance, i hope that you are blessed with much love and joy-

sElf MaDe CoNfUsIoNs.

Here goes the thoughts again. The over analyzing part of me. The making a mountain out of molehill part of me.

Well, i realized that my drama hook is actually men. To be more specific my drama hook lies in the game of attractions between genders. A lot said i am rather flirtacious. Well, even if i am, i don't realize it. It seems to be just me socializing. But i guess sometimes i maybe too open or maybe blur(speak before thinking). Somehow or rather, this has been told to me and for me to realize sometime ago and i seems to have accepted it as who i am. Constantly socializing and flirting. In a way, it is no harm but i have to know my boundaries. But the struggle within me is my boundaries seems to be way off the supposed boundaries which time after time made me question myself.

I do admit that i like to play games especially in the arena of flirting and I also do admit that i get infactuated very easily. I could like someone as easy as changing my clothes. Well, this part of it is not much of a problem, infactuations are just a little bitsy of fun. But the confusing part of me is i often get confused somehow or rather in the midst of the game.
I realized sometimes i decieved myself into having feelings for the person. Sometimes i wonder where is the game bringing me to. Funny, knowing and playing the game, clearly seing the line, why do i still get caught in this?

Someone once said to me, maybe i like being love. Maybe i like being like, being paid attention. But is this who i really am? Is this what i am gonna go on doing? Playing the game one after another? If it is so, when will i ever rest since i am feeling the tiredness?
Well, maybe i am looking too hard. Looking for the king of my heart. The comfort shoulder and the spices of my days.
Despite much bitter past, somehow i still believe. But i am sensing the start of the tiredness to still believe.
Maybe what i have always percieved is coming true. I may just end up alone. I may have a companion but maybe still much alone within.
Tiredness and much questioning has much affected my self-esteem and slowly turning me into a rat. *sighz*

pEr 'StOp' An IsLaNd!!!

a picture speaks a thousand words.
















All in all the trip was great! Peace and serenity by the beach. With fantastic company.
The only thing that bothers me is the destruction of the underwater world.
The beautiful island, breath taking underwater world that i have once seen and experienced are now all gone before my very eyes. *sighzz*

-anyhow let happy memories stay as positive. will start pouring more thoughts out when the itch comes again- ;P

p/s: dont mind the messyness of the pictures...

JuLy 3rd 2007

As the clock hits 12am July 3rd, marks the end of the bygones and a begining of a new chapter. Sweet wishes started pouring in as a few friends and i were amused and entertained by Transformers. A good start of a simple new chapter, filled with laughters and much amusement.
The very morning itself, i woke up with much excitement for the day's plan. My dear pals had made plans to go on an eating spree.
Began our journey at 1030am, when i started picking one by one till the last gurl before we switched to her car that is obviously more spacious than mine to fit all 6 of us. Journey began with a little disappoinment when we had trouble getting our return bus ticket for the Perhentian Island Trip and when the noodle stall that sells good 'pan min'(flour noodle) was closed.
Despite the hassle of rearranging our return transport, we carried on and headed to Chan Sow Lin for the famous fish head. Was a good meal, delicious off course. We had 2 different sauce of fish head, vegetable and tofu (beancurd) with rice.
Then we headed straight to Kajang looking for the famous Kajang satay. Getting the first stall wrong and not contented with the satays, we hopped on to another stall which was the famous satay stall known by all.
After the 2 different servings of satays, we then decided that we want something sweet instead and headed to Sri Petaling for desserts. Something light yet yummy.
By the time we were done with dessert, it was about time to head to Teluk Gong for our dinner. Seafood!
Well, i started sensing that the gurls(the guy is considered as our sisters :p) were up to something and they are planning to surprise me and arranging the timing and another guy to get the cake for tonight.
It was rather hilarious as they didnt know i already sense something fishy and they were whispering as i took over the wheels heading to Teluk Gong. And to add on to my suspicion, the guy that they asked to buy the cake kept on calling and the gurls kept on pretending that he wanted to join us in Teluk Gong but he was too late.
Well, after the scrumptious dinner we had to head back to one of the gurls house to get my car before heading to dessert again. Getting my car was an excuse for them to pick the other guy up with the cake but what was hillarious, 4 of the gurls went on the other car and only yenyung followed me.
Well, as he hopped into my car i asked him directly are they up to something and he knew he couldnt lie to me. Well, then we started thinking on playing tricks on the gurls with silly ideas like 'opps i gotta go back'. But in the end i decided to go on with the flow.
Then at the dessert shop, calls came in and i was chatting and puffing outside instead of sitted inside the restaurant with him. And comes another hillarious happening when i accidentally turned and saw the rest arriving. As i turned away and pretended of not noticing them, they were all already in shocked that i was standing outside. When i turned around again, they were all running the opposite direction. Couldnt help my laughters i quickly step in to wait for them.
Then came the rest along with the cake with candles and the birthday song. Upon blowing off the candles i burst into laughters and they knew it was busted. But what they didnt know was I sensed it much earlier and told them that i wanted to play tricks on them.
It was really sweet of them to plan on a surprise. Well gurls, thank you so much for the whole day trip and the surprise. It is definitely another day and moments for me to cherish. I am really glad to have you guys/gals. May our years of beutiful friendship continue growing despite the coming obstacles of time and space.

A day filled with tonnes of food and laughters. Stomach almost exploded. ;P

But some of the gurls said they still have space for more. *sweat*

6 sisters on the road!
Regina, Valerie, Yvonne & Yenyung

Audrey & Kitti

Afternoon dessert.

Showing off the sign board as a proof that we were at Teluk Gong.

The surprise birthday cake!

Finally with the 7th sisters.

Kitti, Audrey, Regina, Kelvin(7th sisters), YenYung, Valerie, Yvonne

Thank you gurls! Love ya loads!

The very next day, we headed to Perhentian Island for the weekend. Had lotsa fun and as usual nonstop laughters and sillyness.

*ps: dont mind my messyness of thoughts, powderful ingland and probably typo. Having insomia with 3 more hours to sleep before waking up for meeting. And body has been rejecting food for few days. God knows why*