OnLy oNe MoRe yEaR!!!

Hmm... since a long time since i last blog. It's off from work and back to university.
Lately, have been keeping myself busy.. In a way am avoiding thinking of him.... but then it only work to a certain extend.
Sadly, couldnt hold on to my stand, i gave in after he called and messaged me a few days in a roll.
Went over, spend a night with him, chatting, supper, movie...
Funny thing is, i wonder why i felt awkard lying beside him.. The distance between us could be fitted with 2 bolsters.. Funny..
I might be wrong but it is an instinct... I felt that he missed me and a part of him still loves me. Staying cool and steady that night made me realize that he is trying to hold back his feelings... And he is still pissed when a friend text me middle of the night when we were watching movie. Yet the status of Breakup doesnt entitle him to control me anymore nor it allows him to show his anger. If it is as he claimed that he have lost his feelings, why is he still jealous?
Well, it is all an assumption. Anyhow, am certain now that it wouldnt last between us even if we got back together. Furthermore, i have decided to fly off the country next year. Really needed to leave the country..
Couldnt deny that a part of me still care... but then...
The other thing lately is, i dont know why but i am constantly pissed off with my first ex.. After breakup, we have been buddy... He is constantly on the missing track and the reappear. This time a round, he has been around for a longer period of time... He told me that wants me back but he doesnt seems to mean it..
Yet, we both seems to have lotsa arguements over stupid issues... I wonder why.. I seems to be always against him...
Anyhow, all this now doesnt matter to me.. All i want is to finished up my last year of studies, graduate and fly off to work....
Only One More Year!!

tIrEd!?!?!?!

Hmm... from saturday till wednesday!!! gosh for the few night i only had a total of 10 hours of sleep... on wednesday night... was all flat!!!
Mahjong, football, drinking, hanging out, dinner, surprises.... gosh really filled myself up for this year's birthday....
simple and enjoyable......
on the day of my birthday, he only send a superbly short sms.... "hello happy birthday".....
that is all? nothing else that he could add in?
well.. anyhow i did not reply.... but when midnight hits... started thinking of him... feeling guilty for not replying....decided to just call him and say thank you then see what is happening....
but to my expectation.. he is still him.... being kinda cold....
he was kinda pissed... that i only called to say thank you after one whole day.... well.. as usual... i ignored and just put down the phone.... went on with my parties......
Then to my surprise, he called me last night when i was flatten with exhaustion... fell asleep very early and he only called after midnight....
but the funny thing is... he is still like him like when we were dating.... just misscall me and expect me to call back....
Ignored tha the first misscall..... when the second misscall came.. i was worried if there is an emergency....
So.. did call him back... and it seems like nothing much... asking me how did i celebrated my birthday... how is things and what am i doing...
when he got to know that i am sleeping he asked me to call him the next day....
when i woke up this morning... i thought that i had a dream.. but when i checked my phone....
yeah... he did call....
still contemplating now to call or not to call... wondering what is he trying to do??
well.. i am really sick and tired of all the drama in our past relationship and i dont wanna fall back in.....
but i do still miss him.... but i cannot... cannot allow myself to fall back anymore... knowing that this man will only destroy my future... stop me from succeeding......
i dont even understand why do i love him so much.....
anyhow... i gotta at least meet him a while to return his friend's book to him...... totally forgotten about it till he ask for it.....
well.. guess that the safest way is just to drop it to him at his work place where he cant do anything patty.... nor can he create any trouble for me....
well.... just getting better and now... just a single call.. got my mind messy aagin.....
i miss you dear.. i do... but i am afraid...

LeSsOn LeArNt!!!!

Have been sick lately.... got it all in a package... cough, fever, flu, throat infection, puke, body ache..... probably got it from the change of weather... running around for work... havent been resting enough....
Lately, doesnt seems to miss the song "reunited" playing... Every now and then, it will just play on the radio when i just got into the car...
I remember previously something happen and coincidently the song "let it be" kept on playing and made me think that i should just let things be...
I wonder.. is this a hint or is this just to make me think back and wonder....
A part of me still hopes that this song will come true...
But will it be possible? Even if it is possible.. Is this what i want?
Apart of me feels hatred and grudge... Never had this feeling before... wanting to pull a revenge...
but this is just a small little voice in me that i know i could never listen to... knowing that i couldnt do anything to hurt him anymore... knowing that i dont want to carry a baggage of regrets..
Reflection on life..
Time after time, had never held my ego against men that comes into my life..
Time after time, kept on repeating the same old mistakes..
Time after time, never stood up for myself..
Have always held myself up right with family and friends...
A girl with integrity, understanding, confidence and wacky.... lost it all when it comes to love???
Is it because the natural weakness inside? or is it because i allow myself to be weak?
Mistakes made...Lesson learnt.....
I am who i am... accept me on whole or get on with your life....
I am not perfect but i am learning....
I am not beautiful but i have a lovely heart...
I am but just another girl.. maybe with a pinch....
Birthday coming up.. wonder what will i be doing this year??

ToDaY, LaSt yEaR!! tOdAy tHiS yEaR!!!

Today, June 25...
Today, last year.. was the night that i had my 21st birthday party with my 2 good friends of mine... The party was great.. turned up was good.... had fun... a very memorable day...
Today, last year.... was also the day that my heart was really melted away and happily tied to a man for the rest of my life... The day that a love vow was made... The day that a ring slip onto the hand... with kisses and hugs...
Today, last year was also the day that i finally show my parents my date... The day that i first called someone darling openly infront of friends and family.. A day of assurance and comfirmation...
Yet...
Today, this year... celebrated good pals' birthday... indulged in chocolates.. with choclate fountain.... High with aphrodisiac with a fantastic girls night out... but still feels like something missing inside...
Today, this year... got myself blur the whole day... was called early in the morning by a senior... missed one of the assignments but...
tranquilized for the whole day from the after effect of early this morning's incident... the celebration adjourned to Qbar in Westin Hotel... a girls night out with the birthday gal.. drink.. chill...
But a bunch of assholes keep sending drinks over although we ignored... i tried all the drinks before letting my pal drinks... for what you know.. i was stupid enough to keep on drinking the glass that i suspected had been spike.... wasnt sure at that moment... took a few more sips....
Later on the way out to the car, the dizziness kicks in and starts spinning like its time to party baby, to shake my head off..... Luckily was just minor and manage to get home safely....
hahahaha...
Today, Last year and Today, this year?!?!?!
Wonder how will Today, next year be....

LiFe?!?!?

Had a new hair do... thought that this would be a brand new me...
yet... still cannot get rid of the pain... still miss him...
life is so funny.... before this when i was kinda busy.. thousand and one people would call but when free everything just seems so quiet... Just seems like there is no one around... no one to help me go through this....
Guess that the words older people said is just true... no exceptional cases... When your friends needed you, you be there... but when you needed someone, where are there??
A supposed to be a very good friend of mine disappoint me lately... At times i just dont understand what is he trying to do or prove...
When i broke up.. he was nice and had always been there for me.. maybe we because of our past.. he wanted to start again... told me that he is willing to be a replacement for a while trusting me that at the end of the day i would fall in love with him again for who he is...
yet... just a while he has been around... maybe i did not know how to appreciate him....had so many heated arguements with him.....
but soon enough, he does what he do best.. went missing again... after our history.. he appeared and disappeared through out all this years...
yet i thought when he said those words he would stay.... i trusted him and asked for time... time for me to let go... time for me to recover.... told him that i dont want to use him and dont want to be unfair to him....
But i still spend time with him.. even had the initiative to call him.... yet... he will be just him..
Somehow i am begining to doubt him, doubt the efforts he put into his ex.... doubt his words to me....
Probably i should just not bother... Friends will only be friends...
But a part of me still believe in friends... friendship..... Should make a stand now to only keep the friends that are worthy....
Lucky enough i know... my pals who have known me since primary are still my pals.... thank you gals.... love you gals....
ANyhOw... all these its only right of passage.....
Life!!! LIVE LIFE!!!

...nOtHiNg MuCh...

A bright sunny morning at downtowm KL... My very first day at courts... policemen, lawyers and people walking in out.. confused just looking at the busyness.... The KL court is like a maze... up and down, right and left just doesnt seems to connect but somehow could still find the way out.... Scary convicts staring... gets the gosebumps up...
Then gloomy afternoon back in office... change of weather gets me gloomy as well...
Figuring how to write a news from courts... copying from previous reports.... i wonder what do i learn today...
Havent been feeling well lately.. Mum insisted on a blood test... Asked him if he could accompany me as i dont wanna be alone.. am kinda afraid of the nurses draining blood from me...
and am also afraid if i am diagnose with some problems and so on.... Yet... no reply.....
Well... doesnt really matter anyway....
My mind has been working too much lately.. been thinking of some other guys... thinking of things that attracts me... yet... still they dont seems to be the one i want....
but at times i wonder.... am i thinking of someone else just to distract myself or it is just a usual moving on symptom...
hmm... life seems kinda slow lately... when i have plans.. man... yeah i... enjoy myself... but things seems mundane when there is no plans... but dont seems to make any plans... just wanna be at home... rest and chill....
Trying to get back myself... the one who is constantly filled with fun of life.... running here and there.....
heheheh.... shall live up to my life motto....
LiVe LiFe tO tHe FulLeSt!!!!!

A nEw Day!i!

late last night, was feeling very empty and kinda miss him... decided to sms and call him... met up with him for a beer... spend a night with him... seems rather funny... while sleeping am semiconsciously snugging up to him... but had no feeling at all leaving him this morning... just weird...
not knowing wheter i am all numb or i have let go.... matter of fact leaving feelingless towards him feels like a burden off... feels like am just simply okay.... feels like a new day!!
but i know... that i would never forget the times we had together.. something for me to cherish...
many things in life we might not realize, should be cherish too...
someone once told me this story...
a crippled boy with polio who always have to walk around with aid or help....
when asked what is his dream... he told that his dream is to be able to walk, just walk without aid or help for 20meters, only 20 meters...
think back... we are leaving his dream everyday... walking around freely.. living life as we want it.... but.. have we ever thought of our legs as a gift? grateful that we could walk?
told a friend this morning... some people are just simply lucky to be sheltered and protected from shits in life... but people who have been through shits learn more... although some allow themselves to be destroyed....
life is a perpetual learning process.... learn it.. live it.. enjoy it....

LiFe?? pAsSiOn??

Just got a news from a friend... a guy committed suicide for lost of love... first thing that came into my mind... is it worth it? dying for someone who doesnt care? or will this suicide get the other person to regret for life?
Life, everyday.. in and out we hear of people dying, people suffering, people lost their love ones, lost their homes and so on...
Doesnt this shows that we live a better life today although shit happens? Dont people see the blessings in life?
What is life to you out there? Is it just a simple thing as that you are just alive? Or is there more to life? Dont you have things in life that you wanna achive? your ultimate goal? or just a simple living of life but enjoying it?
Maybe... i am too idealistic... or maybe i just am dumb in believing... but life is given to you for a reason... sufferings happen for a reason...things happen for a reason..
If, only if we could all see that our shits in life cannot be compared to the sufferings.. and we can all give a helping hand to them, living in this world would be better...
I have gone through it myself... getting myself in shits and still grow out of it... no matter how bad things gone.. i still believe in humanity... i still believe in friends and people who have hurt me...
I have even stupidly bang my head to the wall trying to hold on to the impossible... but i still believe.... life has it's own mysterious way of showing it...
When shit happens, we are all in haze.. not knowing what, why, how....... Shits in life thought me that this is all reality of life...
people are selfish to certain extand, people can be cruel, friends might betray you, the one you love might not be as beautiful...
but facts of life are just facts of life... after sometime, forgiveness will give you a better life... holding grudges and angry is way too painful and difficult...
When talking to one of my bosses, i just realize that i am still aware that i have a good life, i am passionate about helping others and i know what i want in life....
life is a game, play it... life is a puzzle, solve it.... life is a journey, travel it... life is an adventure, explore it....
Live up your passion in life.....

bLuRr!!!!!

at a damn blur state.. watched world cup and didnt sleep.... at work staring blindly at the computer pretending to be busy.... been chilling and hanging out till wee hours in the morning... with the exhaustion... couldnt bother much about everything.... all i know.. am not gonna sleep again tonight... after work am heading to the cinema, then club then gamble... hahaha.... am i drowning myself with exhaustion or am i just enjoying myself? couldnt even differentiate myself...
yet again... apart of me still wonders.. dont know wheter to call myself dumb for believing in him or is my instinct true.. keep havng the feeling that he is trying to get me off the relationship for my own good due to his own guilt.. probably he doesnt know how to face me after what we been thru.. i know i did my mistakes as well.. but i believe in the power of love enduring everything...
or probably i am just denying reality and holding on to the beauty i see in him....
anyhow... if it makes him happy.. am glad to let him go... i know for sure in time will be... i know i will strive for what i want in life... have been working towards that direction all my life... through shit and flowers.. i am still standing here today....
from the bottom of my heart, i wish him love and joy... and also to all of you out there....
Life is short, live it to the fullest and dont regret....

I did something stupid last night... Watched football with him over beer but never at peace... tried to talk sense with him... tried to get him back... yet....
But i finally took my belongings from his place and left at wee hours in the morning... I left with a feeling of death... If not my parents in mind, i would have just jumped down from his apartment...
Wanted to cry out loud and shout it all out but failed to do so... tears just dried up just within minutes.. yet again another mystery..
Does this mean that i have given up? or Does it mean that i am just too hurt till i couldnt even cry?
Guess that i am still lucky that i have a pair of wonderful parents who have always been the drive in my life...
Without them i really could not survive.... they have thought me many things about life and the thing is just to live life to the fullest....
Maybe this is just a learning process... or maybe this is to make me realize that i want a life like my aunties,....
just be alone and enjoy life.... without thinking about anything else... someone that you always have to report to... more responsibilities and so on...
Even if i go on like that.. i am certain that i will be successful and i want my own kids... might go to the sperm bank, might adopt or maybe just fuck and leave with my baby... hehehehehehehhe...
There is always too many questions in life... maybe something in life is better left unsaid and just live on with the mystery....
or maybe have its own mysterious way of showing the big picture later....
well... what ever it is... i will survive... i will.....