ChIrStMaS!!!

Christmas!!
Before this, christmas seems just like another festival to me. Never really celebrated it.
Before this, i always hope that i could celebrate christmas with someone special.
Before this, christmas seems to be a sad memory for me.
Well, things changed...
Christmas 2006...
Started off with a few days in a row reunion/yumcha session with my group of old friends... When i say old means old... As in some of us have known each other for more than 10 years... Some more than 5 years...
Fantastic meet everytime, laughing, teasing, playing...
Then i met a really cute french guy online... Had a really great chat with him... And seems like there is a little chemistry running... hahaha... Nevertheless, i dont really believe the online stuff... But hey, am really having a good time chat with him...
Then attended a christmas party on the 23rd... Met a few of AIESEC friends from UKM... my gosh!! was really a good time for us to catch up and celebrate christmas together... Really glad to have some heart to heart chat with some of them, realizing how we have grown from first year till now... Missing all the great time we had and fretting about graduating soon and gonna be an alumni in AIESEC...
And the great part is, my group of old friends are getting closer and closer now and we never seems to have enough of each other... And they organized another meet up on the same day of the party... And guess what, i rushed over right after the party... On the 23rd itself, am already so happy and hyped up with all this christmasy mood, wonder how was my celebration?
On the night as in 23rd night where we met up, we were dicussing plans for 24th... Matter of fact we have been discussing since days before when we met...
We are not certain of any plans when we left... But there were suggestions that we drive up one of the hill nearby, where there is a western food restaurant overlooking Kuala Lumpur for dinner...
Well, although there were no certainties, a few of us, the gals said that no matter what or how few of us, we can just meet up and go for dinner... And i was like cool, at least i still got to celebrate with a few of my friends who are really close to my heart...
Then came the time for dinner... Never to my expectation, we are really driving up that hill for western food with really beautiful scenary... And i also never expected that there were so many turns up...
3 cars packed... drove up the hill...
And you know what, we were late due to some hastle of last minute planning... And the place was packed... Too many people, very little space...
Then we decided to leave for another place... and the other hastle is that we have to alliance with the second batch of us that will join us later after work... Well, what the heck...
We just went to another restaurant nearby... Was just a normal restaurant... Nothing much... Most of us lost our mood of christmas...
Well, as time pass slowly, we were all just having fun by ourself although we would love to be uphill... But then, there were 17 of us.. couldnt be that bad till the extend that we would just be quiet... Especially with some clowns around... Everything seems fine after all.. We count down together...
Then, dont know why, dont know how... Someone came up with a suggestion lets go for second round... Genting!!!
And it was already 12 something in the morning when we decided yes we are going to drive up genting... hahaha...
Went back, took some sweater... met up bout 1 something... 2 cars, 11 of us...
They initially under estimated my car... I insisted that my car could go up.. furthur more we have no other alternative...
2 am... We are really up in genting... Hahaha... Laughing at my car's ability... We were glad that we are all up there...
Talking and laughing in Starbucks... Enjoying the cold weather... And we were laughing non stop of our wackoness...
Couldnt believe that we really took a 1 hour drive up... hahaha....
Stayed on... Had so much fun just chilling with them, i never realize how times flies... Without realizing it is already morning... hahaha...
Hmm.. but the one part that i am a little frustrated with myself is that i wasnt feeling that well in my stomach.. and i puked... But then, was still feeling very happy and fine.. we continued..
Well, 7 something in the morning, after a whole night of laughing and laughing... we finally decided that we gotta drive home...
Reached down KL.. a few of us went for breakfast... a few went home due to exhaustion...
I couldnt stop laughing and couldnt believe how crazy we were...
Reached home, really exhausted... Showered and wanted to go sleep..
And then, he was online, the french guy.. Seems like he has been waiting for me the whole night to online.. Chatted with him for a while... :)
Then came the really touching part... A few of them send out gratitude messages... Indicating how glad they were to have our friendship and to have spend such a wonderful christmas together... Which is exactly how i felt... I myself did the same thing..
It is really another sweet memories for all of us to keep.. And it is amazing that we all feel the same and it seems to be a silent understanding...
There, my christmas... 2006... is definitely a celebration that i will never forget...
MeRrY cHrIsTmAs!!!

BlEsSiNgS!!

More and more small little things happening lately that made me appreciate more of all the blessings in my life.
Catch up with 2 old friends of mine.. Had a very long conversation with him and her...
With him, he said many many things that shows his concerns.. He still sees me as the same old kitty, never knew the different me or shall i say the actual me deep down inside.. He made me realize that to a certain extend i didnt really show people the person that i really am deep down inside..
I would say it is my mistake for not showing people, even my parents the actual kitty.. The kitty that is deeper.. Even a few of my closer friends didnt really understand.. Well, but i am still glad.. She said, the way we were brought up and the way we think is different. But we still support you and give you your space.. That is what friends do, support and care regardless of what happens and regardless of the differences..
Am glad am really really glad to have more and more friends showing their actual concern and the value of our friendship shared all these years.. Not just the normal hehe haha..
To a certain extend what he said is true... Many friends are friends for happy times where you just have fun and enjoy yourself.. Tease, laugh, jokes and so on...
Yet again, we cannot deny that having these friends do bring some easier and joyful time.
Well, am happy. We talked alot today, updating each other of happenings in life and we see each other's deeper side..
I personally felt that the bond grew stronger. When i send the appreciation message to my friends, he is the one that replied 'i thought that it is long understood'. Am glad, this guy who has been picking on me since primary school, teased and made fun of me actually is one of my wonderful friends who have shown more and more concern through years.
She and another gal who is closer to me shown me stronger support through years.
I am really touched. Again, the feeling is so overwhelming and is hard to actually put into words.
Am really amazed by this group of friends, during schooling time we practically meet each other everyday. When it comes to tetiary education we are all seperated into various universities, yet somehow or rather one of them will surely take the intiative to catch up and have reunion every semester break we have, the time when almost everyone comes back to a place where we all grew up,met and shared many memories.
It is just amazing, despite the differences between all of us, despite not knowing each other deeper, we still concern and care whenever anything happens to either one of us. The most amazing part is how strong the bond and feelings all blend together.
I just gotta know that there were rippled effect after the mass SMS that i send out that day, a few send out similar messages. This has actually made us appreciate each other more and a simple time together could be said as one of the best time we had in our life.
Went back home and chatted with mum. Updated her about them and also things that i realized. Am really happy to know more and more how much my mum has suffered for our family.. Although it pierce deep through my heart knowing her hard times and how she is actually feeling.. But this just shows me how much she loves my dad, my brother and i.
And knowing that my mum is actually like a friend with my friends is just priceless. My best friend (mum) along with my friends.. What a wonderful sight!!
Thank you! Thank you God! Thank you mummy, daddy, boy and all my friends.
I really feel blessed to have all of you in my life.
I aM tRuLy BlEsSed!!!

JoYfUlL!!!

Funny how life unfolds sometimes..
Guess it is true what you resists persists..
My ex, the one that my i mentioned in the begining of my blog called me last night.
Well, it is rather uneasy for myself... Just realize that one of night when my instict were so strong telling me that he is around the place that i was hanging out..
Well, it was friends birthday and we were at lundry bar in the curve few months back. Due to the very strong feeling that he is around that place, i asked a guy friend of mine to my patner for that night. At that time i realize that i wanna avoid him hence i did so.. Nevertheless, i do admit i was really flirting and had some fun with some of the guys... Anyhow they are my friends from university..
Well, didnt really saw him that night and couldnt be bothered by it anymore...
Last night's call.. Was rather akward.. I was talking very akwardly... Even mum asked who was i talking to.. According to her i seldom talk that way and the way i talked as if it was a business call.. Funny....
Then, he said he actually saw me before and if i am not mistaken is that particular night.. He said that his friend saw me too... Well, it doesnt really matter to me but it is just weird...
Then he said that he havent change his perspective towards me... Then i asked what perspective that he has bout me and he wouldnt say it...
Then i sense anger... I asked if there is anything that i can do to help him.. His reply was 'what the heck are you thinking when you are still partying like before... No thanks...'
Well, like i said what you resists persists... When we were dating, he was actually anti me partying or clubbing due to the reason that he is afraid that i flirt... Well, it is just to bad that after so many months of breakup, he saw his nightmare... I would say there is lack of trust and also understanding of me... Maybe i didnt assure him and showed him me.
Well, what have i got to say? That is the only side that he happens to see and it is just a pity... Matter of fact it is so funny that i am dying to go party now as i havent party for like ages...
Well, apart of me still wonders why is he still feeling the anger. Matter of fact the event happens a few months back and matter of fact we broke up for quite sometime already....
Hmm.. Well, all i could do is to wish him love and joy and i actually prayed..
Honestly, i just hope that everyone around me would be happy... My parents, brother, friends, my exes and everyone single person around....
I am on my mission to bring joy to everyone, anyone at all that comes in contact with me. I cant gurantee that i will be able to but i promise to try my best....
JoYfUlL!!!

FrIeNdS!!!!!!

Am feeling so different.. Dont know why... It is funny... A sudden rush of joy and gladness swamp over me...
An old friend sms me for a movie along with the rest of my old high school friends... Then just came this feeling of appreciation.. Am glad to have them as apart of my life.. A group of friends whom i knew half of my life.. Friends who have been through sunshine and rain in my life. Friends whom always arrange reunion and meet up although we are seperated in different universities which some may be further..
Then comes another group of friends which i knew in form 6 till now.. Although time is kinda short but we have shared alot too..
Then the group of friends i met in university and AIESEC.. Some of them have been with myself since first year.. some a few months maybe years as well... Although some i only know recently, but what we have been through and shared means alot to me...
Then the new group of friends which i met from Money & You seminar.. They consist of people from different generations yet we can click and we support each other... Am really glad...
Thinking back of all these wonderful faces with their smiles and their concern, just gave me an over whelming feeling of joy and love.
When i was young i was told of the reality that friends will only be friends and most of friends are for benefit.. in the sense that if there is no value of usage, friends will just leave..
But this group of fantastic people has proven that reality wrong...
Friends is one of the most wonderful gift on earth... Although some, we have to go through a very rocky time before getting to know each other more but at the end of the day, the experience is invaluable....
Been laughing myself like a crazy woman travelling down memory lanes with so many different people... hehehe...
Feeling this, i sent appreciative messages to all my dear dear friends... To my surprise, many of them made me laugh till i drop...
Some were so concerned and called me on the instance. Some thought that something is wrong with me and replied me with messages such as 'are you drunk', 'are you ok? what is happening?' and so on... Some sent back appreciative messages noting that they feel the same..
Any reaction at all, brought joy to me.. knowing that they care and they are concerned and they feel the same....
The feeling is once again beyond words can say... at the end of the day.. am just glad and i really thank God for sending all these amazing people into my life....

Happiness
the finest gift that
life can give
cannot be bought
with gold
The joys at home
A loyal friend
These are worth
more than
all the wealth
in the world

WoRdS oF eNcOuRaGeMeNt!!

ThE pOwEr WiThIn...

Within our reach lies every path we ever dream of taking.

Within our power lies every step we ever dream of making.

Within our range lies every joy we ever dream of seing.

Within ourselves lies within everything we ever dream of being.

jUsT bE yOuRsElF...

To be who you are is to be enough.
To share who you areis to share enough.
To do what you love is to do enough.

There is no reace to win and nothing to be proven,
only dreams to be nurtured
a self to be expressed,
and love to be shared.

Never doubt your worth, and always know,
without any doubt, that you are truly valued.

AnYtHiNg Is PoSsiBle...

Believe in your dreams-the goals you've always wanted to achieve.
Believe in your abilities-that you are capable and worthy of being and doing anything.
Life holds no promises to what you can have. It gives you opportunities to ultize your abilities.
It gives you time to make choices and take chances.
Be willing to accept life's challenges. Embrace changes that come along the way.
Never give up
Be passionate to make your dreams a reality.
Believe that it is possible to achieve what you want and will.

In ThE mIdSt Of DiFfIcUlTiEs LiEs OpPoRtUnIrTy. NeVeR gIvE uP!!

ThE bEsT aNd MoSt BeAuTiFuL tHiNgS iN tHe WoRlD cAnNoT bE sEeN oR eVeN tOuChEd. ThEy MuSt Be FeLt WiTh ThE hEaRt.

MaYbE sOmEdAy!!!

Maybe someday
you'll start living every day true to the best that is within you and seriously pursue your most treasured dreams.

Maybe someday
you'll stop holding back and live the richness of every moment and show the world who you really are.

Maybe someday
you'll explore the best of possibilities that you know in your heart are there.

Maybe someday
you'll see how truly beautiful life can be and understand that nothing can hold you back.

Maybe someday
you'll wake up, see how useless most of your worries have been and stop letting others hold you back.

Maybe someday
you'll decide that your life cannot wait any longer and you'll wonder why you ever waited so long to start living.

Maybe someday you'll decide to go for it.

Maybe someday is coming.

Maybe someday will be sooner that you think.

Maybe someday is here.

Maybe someday is Today!

A cReEd To LiVe By!!!

Don't undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others:
It is because we are different that each of us us special.

Don't set your goals by what others people deem important:
Only you know what is best for you.

Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart:
Cling to them as you would your life,
for without them life is meaningless.

Don't let your life slip through your fingers
by living in the past or the future:
By living your life one day at a time,
you will live all the days of your life.

Don't give up when you still have something to give:
Nothing is really over... until the moment you stop trying.

Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect:
It is fragile thread that binds us to each other.

Don't be afraid to encounter risks:
It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.

Dont shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find:
The quickest way to receive love is to give love;
The fastest way to lose love is to hold on too tightly;
And the best way to keep love is; to give it wings.

Don't dismiss your dreams; to be without dreams is to be without hope:
To be without hope is to be without purpose.

Don't run through life so fast that you forget where you've been,
but also where you are going:
Life is not a race, but a journey to be savoured
every step of the way.

ClArItY!?!?!

My Gosh!! Never thought just a simple 1 month holidays could be so tiring yet fulfilling. Attended 2 amazing seminar/conference. First was the money and you seminar. That was really a life changing seminar for myself. REalizing many things in my life and have achieve clarity. Then NLDS 2006 an amazing conference that motivates me again.
Been very tired and exhausted attending this 2 event one after another. Mind, body and soul. Well, glad that i have the opportunity to be there.
I dont deny it has been rather hard for me inside but yet manage to pull through, putting certain things aside and enjoyed the whole process.
Well, a part of me feels like i wanna stay forever in both events. Away from reality and just enjoy the clarity, motivations and people. A great learning journey.
It has been a whole new journey of learning, developing day by day, seing so many others developing day by day brought wordless joy to my heart.
Money and you has actually help me see things in my life more clearly and meeting up with a few graduates from the program yesterday reminds me of a lot of things.
Where else in NLDS it has been very touching and emotional for me, many came up and thank me for inspiring them. THat made me realize that it is something that i am really happy doing. Nevertheless many things i did without realizing had motivated and inspired many. Many messages wrote to me saying that i am a great person with personality and so on. This is something that means alot to me. Something that i read any time i have and they motivated me alot too. I couldnt find the words to describe the whole thing but the satisfaction and motivation with the heart shaking is just incredible.
I am really glad to meet all this people and couldnt thank them more for motivating me again and i dont know how more to thank them for all the joy they bring to my heart.
THe other part that i said is hard for me inside is to actually face him for 1 whole week without anything said. Looking at him along with the rest has actually motivated me yet it hurts inside to be so distance in the sense that no hi, bye or even smile.
Its funny and amazing realizing all this mixed feelings inside. Asked him if he were to appologize for what he said. At that instance he said no. Wordless... THen i decided to just ignore and forget about what we had and take it as if i never knew him. He is only my junior in AIESEC and that is it. Some came to say that the way i treated him is just so different in the sense that i treated him and everyone else the same. STill there to support and encourage. Well, no one knows how hard it is inside. Further more i was sleeping alone. Roomate decided not to attend hence am leaft alone. THe funny thing is i still couldnt cry.
Well, spend some time with michelle and i realize that i really care dearly for her. I could say that i actually love this girl and i will keep her for life and as dear dear sister of mine.
Well, after the conference he finally appologize but funny thing is i couldnt really accept it. i dont know why. Have made a decision to forget and let go of what ever memory or feelings of him and he is only to be my junior and that is it.
Well, i told michelle to try to understand what i am going to do next. Told her that i need my time. GUess that what i didnt say was what i am gonna do. Well, time and space is the clue. Couldnt exactly pour it in here cox i know she and him do read my blog. Well, guess that i did pour quite alot already yet there is still so much more that is left unsaid.
So much more to let out but couldnt find the sequence and the words.
Well, am clear that the perfect picture for all of us might be 3 of us happily together, may it be as friends or more. Yet again, i do wish that things could be that beautiful but i realize that i am not in condition to do so. ANd it is also not one's effort. Take the whole team. But i first have to allow myself to do so. DOnt know why i couldnt yet or maybe i just dont want to. First time that i am actually feeling like this and reacting like this. For the first time in my life am actually not gonna fight anymore even for frienship. First time in my life am just gonna discard. Funny..
Maybe time will change everything. Well, i will never know. All i can see is my own future, what i want in life and my friends.
Well, what ever it is i gave my words to her and i made certain decision for myself. So am just gonna be by it and focus on what i want for life while enjoying life with people around me that are worth keeping. Even the older people i met in the money and you seminar said that i am different and i can achieve things that i want in life. Well, a small matter like this is not gonna stop me.
Keep the one that is worth keeping and discard the ones that is not.
LIfe is beautiful and i know that i love everyone around me and they love me for who i am too..
Am happy that i have got so many to support me through anything at all.. people my age and also those who are much older yet sees so much in me.
THank you all... i dont know how else to thank you but am really glad that i know you guys.

lOsT oF wOrDs!!!

Lying here alone at home with the TV on. Parents went back home town, brother went out and not coming home tonight. Plans all cancelled.. Sometimes i hate this feeling of being alone yet sometimes i do need my own time to chill and breath.. But not tonight. Sitting here feeling the pain and emptiness leaves me lost and helpless.
Something just pierce through my heart last night. Cant help feeling silly again. Things were predicted when i went for it. And the funniest thing is, never thought that i am kinda accurate. A friend asked me how could i know/predict. I myself dont know the answer to that. Is either he is that predictable which means he is easy to understand or i am sensitive. Never know.
Well, i realize that i have been too hard.. too hard in doing the things that i thought is right. I still dont know wheter is it right or wrong. I do realize that i pushed him to the wall, maybe because of that he could be so cold and cruel. Nevertheless, one thing that i didnt thought of is that i will be humiliated.
I dont know what i am actually feeling now. I dont know wheter i am angry. I dont know wheter i am sad or disappointed. I dont even know if i will be able to forgive him. To a certain extend i just felt so silly and felt like i have been cheated right from the begining. But i dont know... i dont know.. Everything seems to keep on playing around in my mind.. Seems so lost... All i know and that i can acknowledge is the piercing pain in the heart and the constant chest discomfort. Even if so, i dont know what can i do to release it and let go. Usually i could cry, blab blab blab or scream to get it off my chest, but then i dont know why i cant cry, i couldnt put much in words and i cant even scream it out. And usually forgiving and forgeting and letting go is so easy.. But now, i dont know why.
Then i actually question my worth, my value. Then a friend enlighten me. It makes me think back. Yeah! i am willing to accept that i also had made mistakes. I am willing accept the differences and try to work things out. But then if the other party is not willing to, then i know that party is not worth it, hence why should i question my value. What value is there even to a friendship if one party does not want to fight for it?
Well, there is so much that is running in my mind. Thought that i could try blabbing it all out here. But then, seems like i dont know what else to say anymore nor do i know how to put things in words.
Funny though, usually i can put things out easily especially verbally. This is the first time that i realized that i am stuck. And i wonder why.. Well, guess that i myself have to chill and cool down.
Yet again, am checking into the conference tomorrow. Gotta face him one whole week, i dont know how mush emotional roller coaster gonna happen nor do i know how to face him. Dont know wheter i should just take as if he is invisible and dont acknowledge him or should i just pretend with a bloody thick face.. I dont know...
I dont know how it say anymore..
Guess that maybe silence is golden....

FeAr?!?!?

Went out with a dear friend whom have always understand me and my situation. Really thank God for bringing this gurl into my life. Although the time that we knew each other is short but this is the only gal who actually understands. We are so different yet similiar.. It is funny... but Amazing..
Well a little more pieces cleared up after talking to her.
She reminded me that actions speaks louder that words. And this reminds me that words is a tool that could kill someone or build someone. Well, guess that i should have just ponder and just act as i think what is right. No use telling anymore. Nothing seems to be able to change just by words.
Matter of fact i already told him dont and not to reconsider having it again. And its funny when many gals and i always said that we just wanna become friends. Well how many of us are really true?
I dont know.. Yet to find out. Well for me, i have said that he is not only a bf to me but also a friend. Hence, the change of status doesnt not make any difference although i want to have more. At the end of the day, we still have the essence of us.
But now, fear seems to be hitting me. Fear that he would not call me back into his life. Fear that it will be all gone even the friendship. At this point, we are both heated thinking in our own way. The fear also hits me of what and how should i act when i see him if he doesnt calls be back into the friendship?
Things were very simple to me even after it ends. Although i break down a while, i am up and realize many things and had been glad with things. Messaged and call him as usual. At times do call him in the middle of the night when i needed a friend to talk to. Well, to certain extend his definition and my definition of friends is different and my mind tends to complicate it.
Well, there is many ways to get him back into the relationship or friendship. Analizing certain things with words of ponder by my dear friend, i can do something to get him back. But yet, i dont want to. It is then no longer true, no longer a happy heart between us. Knowing that the things i can do to psycho him, just make me realize that this is not want i want to do.
If he were to step back in is with his pure heart and mind with his own willingness. Even as a friend that we wants to keep, he should step back in himself. All this time, i have always put situations into him to ponder but that seems to be psychoing him and conforming him. Maybe, maybe i did it unintentionally. But i have never thought of doing so. I have always take things true and honest.
Well, it funny that i am finally pouring more in here. Seems like at least i could take it out of my heart. He may feel as a personal attack but i am not. I dont even know if he reads my blog.
Well, what ever will happen will happen. Fear is just a distraction.
Knowing myself, i nothing can stop me.
Life goes on no matter what and will just be flexible and will know how to deal with it when time comes.
Cheers!!
CaSt YoUr FeArS aSiDe AnD lOoK dEeP dOwN iNsIdE!!
ThE hErO iS wItHiN yOuRsElF!!!!

DiSaPpOiNtMeNt?!?!

After very much hassle of breaking up. It is rather funny that many who cares bout me was asked by me to stand by him. So funny that i am in return comforting those who cares and couldnt understand why. Well, to a certain extend i might be hiding, not wanting the others to pressure him or hurt him any further. Nevertheless, i just realize, my own actions is actually hurting him more. I realize that i didnt really understand him. i thought that we had something special, not only as a couple but as friends. But it seems to be only my expectation which makes me feel disappointed yet maybe i am selfish. He said his friends dont call him in the middle of the night unless is a life and death situation which requires him to rush to the scene immidiately. Hmm, when i first think back, my definition is so different. i did something stupid and selfish which telling him things from my persepctive. i have always offer anyone, friends my 24hours 7 days a week beep time. I will not change anything for him. I have always believe in supporting others to make this world a better place. Well, maybe it is just time to accept the differences. Then i found out that he actually compares me and her, not only after breakup. Thinking back right from the beginning he has been comparing. Although the outcome seems good, i dont feel happy. Seems like i have to meet up to a certain par set by him. It makes me feel like the whole thing for him is just a simple rebound and there is nothing special between us. I cannot deny that i am very disappointed and i did tear. But yet again, there is no one to be blame. i will take responsibilities for myself for letting myself face this, for allowing myself to once again rush into something.
Knowing that there is no brigthness of future, yet i allow my heart to take the risk with justifying that i wanna feel and make the best out of it. Well, maybe this is the consequences of my own actions. The worst is, i made him landed on the same path with a deeper cut. To a certain extend i feel i have not lose him at all. We are still friends. We could be better of good friends because we had shared something special. But then, realizing all this, had put myself in disappointment. I never really knew him. Well, have decided to leave till the time that he calls me back into his life may it be just friends, close/good friends or something deeper. All that is needed in this is time.
Yet again, NLDS is coming up. Is this sunday that we are all checking in to the precamp. We will have to face each other for a week. And i dont know what to do now. I dont know wheter i should just pull out. I am scared. Scared seing him depress. Scared of myself feeling awkard and sad. Even if i stay on and attend, what should i do when i see him? Should i just avoid and not talk to him? Should i just pretended like nothing happen at all and just talk to him? All this are avoiding. What? What is the best resolution for this?
I asked him how was he feeling. He couldnt tell me, only then i found out that he is actually stressed. Well, all this are my own assumptions. I may analize it wrongly. But what can i do to know? What can i do to know how to deal with this, not knowing what he actually thinks and feel? All i needed is just a little talk with him, to clear all those uncertain bout the both of us. But how? He wouldnt talk? He is not ready. Most of the time he just keep quiet, then a sudden blast. How? I wish that someone, God maybe can just come and tell me the answer. But then, every single things that happen in life is my own responsibilities. The answer is only between us and within us. Even if he honestly tell me certain things i would accept and take in my responsibilities and think of a solution. But then.. i will never know when, how, what, why and so on. Guess that i will just have to deal this myself and find an answer only for myself, and will avoid hurting him in anyway.
Attended an amazing seminar, had a breakthrough and realize many things. It is a no regret paying so much for this seminar. It is inline with what i ahve always wanted to, make this a better place where everyone is considerate about everyone and no one wins or loses in any situation. It develops wealth and most importantly you within yourself and also relationship. In this situation of mine, i feel like it is a win/lose situation. And i have been wondering how to create a win/win situation. Then i realize that, although i want to, i will need him to also want it. If everyone only for themselves then situations will definitely remain win/lose. They thought us this in a very hard lesson. Words that really hits many of us in the seminar. The facilitator put us in a game, from the game itself some would think of others and try to win togeter, some only want to win for themselves. Then he puts everyone and i in a state of thinking, is winning myself is all that counts? Just because i want to win i put someone else suffering? Have we actually thought of the consequences of being selfish?
The seminar made me realize that there are many things to ponder. Would wanna share all this with everyone. It does help make me a better person and help everyone who wants to be a better person and it strives to make this world a better place. Am glad am really glad. With the people that i met there, although the time is really short but we shared alot and help each other alot. Thank you all for being there to support me.
Thinking back of everything and reflects back on reality, i am now thinking of a solution rather than just compromising that will hurt me deeper at the end. But how can i do so when the other party doesnt wanna find a solution? Dealing with myself, is just me compromising. Although i dont mind compromising but it is true that it will come back and hit me at some point. I know i am no one to force others to do things out of their own will but i do really hope and pray that we will be allowed to deal with this together rather then waste it all by just avoiding and leave one party at the losing end.
Well, what ever it is, it is not wrong to feel all this emotions. Emotions are humankind experience. Somehow or rather i know, i will find the solutions.
Well, what ever it is, although i am lost. Although some think that i am stupid.
I still have faith in him. I am a woman of integrity and i will carry out my promise and i will be there for him if he needs me although i am out of his path.
I have losta love in me and will share it with everyone in my life.
Confidence is Love,
Love is Truth,
Truth is Peace,
Peace is Bliss.

LoVe!!!

Mysteries of life. Many and i also dont understand how life actually works. Many dont understand what others think and act. Many dont understand why certain things happen. Guess that is why life is for us to explore.
Many objected and many also supported us when things begin. Many dont see it but yet some still stood by and support. When circumstances part us, many were shocked and didnt understand. Some felt like its unfair to me, some felt like it is not true. Thinking back, many thought that we were compatible and we make a perfect pair. Well, guess that many things in life just dont seems like the way it is. Hmm.. another mysteries of life.
I am really touched and thankful for those who stood by me. Although not understand how i stood strong yet still concern and care.
Well, things are rather simple now.
Loving someone doesnt mean that you have to own him/her.
Loving somone would make you happy when you see him/her happy.
There is a saying that goes
Dont shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find:
The quickest way to recieve love is to give love,
The fatest way to lose love is to hold on too tightly,
And the best way to keep love is to give it wings.
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous. Love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endure all things.
LOVE NEVER FAILS.
Do note that love is subjective and can be percept differently. Love for life, Love for family, love for friends.
Love constantly exist in many different ways.
ChErRiSh ThE lOvE yOu HaVe AnD sHaRe LoVe!!!

LiFe?!?!?! cHaLlEnGeS?!?!

here i am again. Letting go of a person whom i love and care. although the period is short but it seems so long and deep. Funny how life can be. Every challenges that is put forward by life gets more and more weird and though but funny in a way. For the first time in my life i thought that i am finally with someone who is more innocent and better. Someone whom i could rely on and trust. But right from the begining itself it is known that it would not work but yet made a pledge to make the best out of what we have. well, it is not like its all spoiled unless he is not able to face it. Its just that it would never be the same with the different status. But if we never lose anything maybe the friendship, then status doesnt really matters. Maybe its because of what i want. "I love you but i am not ready for a relationship". This is a really sad line yet happy wind to the ears. But it just feel sad that 2 souls who loves each other and falling into each other so deep cannot be together due to circumstances. Questions like why begin when its gonna be like this. It is in a way rather funny when you are already in a relationship then you are not ready for it. Pledge made can be just given up by one soul's decision. Is it selfish or is it for betterment of both? Yet again if one is uncertain wouldnt it be better to work it out together? But other circumstances is put into the situation despite the pledge. Well, despite all this wondering, i am letting go, hoping and praying with all my heart and soul he would be happy and would live the best of life. "I will stand by you darling regardless of anything even if it cuts deep down inside".
Well, another mystery of life. Why? Why would God put two loving souls together and yet not allow them to grow? Is he trying to teach us selflessness? Is he trying to teach us that you have to give wings to love and let it fly?
Personally i learnt that you dont have to own or be together with someone you love. Just being there making the person happy would bring more joy. Why wanna hang on when it is gonna hurt both soul?
Yet the questions always bug me why why would God keep on challenging me with all this? In my love life it has always been a challenge. It is not once or twice but times after times. Am amaze that i still have faith in God. Although fretting, i still believe that there is a blessings in disguise and there is a lesson to learn.
Well,many things in life, we just have to let go. Learning to let go, forgive and forget would make a difference in life. Maybe that is what Life is trying to teach me.
I want you to know i have never regret a single moment that i am with you.
And i was with my pure and true heart towards you and i still am.
Every single moment is carved deeply inside to be cherished, today, tomorrow and for eternity.
What ever happens, i will stay as your good friend and i will stand by you darling!
Open up and live your life to the fullest ok?
Make the best out of it and dont carry regrets with you.
I will be here whenever you need me and i will help you through it.
I LOVE YOU AND I WILL ALWAYS DO!

pOnDeRiNg!!

Sitting here in a special someone's room. Thinking and wondering. Had a very intensed conversation with him last night. Getting to know things more and understand things. Matter of fact many girls will be hurt after hearing the conversation but i wasn't.. In fact i was more worried. Worried that i would turn out to be the person who will hurt him in the end. But we just started. How could we know that things will be how he thought will be because of some factors taken into consideration. Parents, religion, history etc etc...
But then this new relationship was kinda weird. It seems like we both know what will challenge us in the near future, assuming that i will be doomed somehow.. Yet again we both jump into it. Thinking of all the 'what ifs' might end up in regrets if we dont do so. Maybe its because if we had it, we knew we once had it and there will not be regrets if it ends up the way predicted.
Feelings is there. Fun, caring and so on. Its all there. But there is also a fear of falling.. falling in love and out of love. Well, there is also fear and worries that might make us not enjoy everything without realizing. But he has been supportive and caring. To a certain extend he did his part in assuring us.
So far, he has always been there putting a smile on my face when i was stressed. Cheer me up and relaxes me when i was tensed. Many many little little things that he noticed, he does made me feel like maybe i dont deserve such a nice good boy. I felt like i am the bad one. I might be the one who spoils him, the one who might pull him way down.
Although he havent actually said he loves me, i know he do. From the way he treats me, think for me and so on. It has just been 5 days between us.
Well, i feel lucky to have this. Once in my life someone who is more real. Someone who do what he thinks a man should do. Not in those manner of players hitting on a girl but a more real thing to assure both of us and make us both stronger.
Well, maybe this is a blessing after so many pitfalls in life. Maybe this is something that can build me back. Maybe it is another secret of life that i havent realize. God work in many different ways that surprises people.
Although we have to bare with this things right at the beginning of our relationship and we still ended up in it, i think i should cherish it and enjoy it at every given moments.
At least i know i once had it all..
Boils down to the same thing..
LiVe LiFe To ThE fUlLeSt!!!!

SeCrEt Of LiFe?!?!?!

Well, havent been blogging for a while.. Been busy with stuff.. studies, assignments, projects and so on.. Hmm.. Lately, seems to have seen and experienced many different things.. Realizing things and secret of life.. Well, it seems like things has been getting better in my life.. Seems like many good news pouring in.. Well, if it is that perfect then i am lying.. There is also alot of things that prompt me thinking as well..
Watched a cd regarding secret of life.. It is stated that life abides by the 'law of attraction'. All the wealth, health, relationship and bad things that happen in life it is because you attracted it. Well, i really wonder if it is really so.. Well, tried believing in it and been trying their remedy to better life.. It seems working and quite good so far for me.. hehhehe...
But yet, off course along the way there are many challenges...
Well, i believe that if you want something, you have to want it 110% then the possibilities of getting it would be brighter.. So maybe if you guys have seen the CD, it would work for you.. but i will never know..
Something that is not there but it is there. It is something that couldnt be but could. Vice versa.
Confusion?!?!
You want something but you dont know if you can get it. When it is in front of you, you dont know wheter you really want it or you dont know if it could be.. Vice Versa.
Lost?!?!
If it is gonna be doomed right from the beginning why pursue..
Afraid?!?!
Life is filled with all this.. Day in day out, there is something that we wonder, something that we are afraid about. Something that we are uncertain..
But the future is not ours to see..
Life is just as it is at the moment. It is good to have planning for the future but you will never know is there is a tomorrow.. SO..
Why not live the moment?
Why not enjoy life and appreciate what you have in front of you?
Why not be bold and fight for what you want?
At least even if it couldnt be, you know you once had it. Memories to cherish. No regrets.
Things in life cant break you, unless you allow it.
Life is a journey in learning and it only makes you stronger.
Life is short!!
What ever happens..
LiVe LiFe To ThE fUlLeSt!i!i!

NeRvOuS!?!?!

Here it goes again... the feeling of needing to rent here..
Been having this weird kinda feeling lately... Heart seem to have this weird pounds.. with butterfly in my stomach... worried... scared.. i dont even know what..
Well, just another weird feeling or instinct... Been busy lately with assignments and organization projects and stuff.... Gosh am happy being packed with stuff to the extend i got so dehydrated.. But then i will still find time to rest... hhahah
Hmm... Lately am slowly getting back to myself... Being the crazy kitty... Flirty and mad.... Well... The other funny thing is... Been in touch with few more of my EXes... Seems like EXes period now... Well... bad thing is they want me back but i dont feel for them... and i dont know how to tell them... Just go along pretending and avoiding....
Hmm... till now.. still have the urge to leave for a short holiday... Gosh am stuck with classes... Gosh Gosh....
Well... guess that my life is stuck till i am finally over with my studies... anyhow.... am okay with things now.. moving on very fine.... Although at times i still miss him but i know i dont love him anymore.... I guess that is something normal.. Memories of life that will be a part of me till the end...
My camp that i have been planning and working for with my committee is this weekend... Gosh.. I am so worried... Dont know why am no nervous... Afraid that i would leaving something behind and afraid that i wouldnt be as good as years before...
Pray for me people... Dont know why am i so worried... Never really been like this... hahahah.... Did i change?
Well... nothing much to say this time around... but just have the feeling of blogging... hahahhaha.. Talking to myself....
LiFe Is BeAuTiFuL!!!!

cOnFuSe?!?!?!

Lately it seems so weird and funny.. Many people whom i know claimed to be looking for the one.. yet they never seems to show it.. all i could see with my eyes are they wanting to be those wanna be player by two timing here and there...
When asked why, they say just to be on the safer side rather than they got fucked up at the end of the day... They said that it is thru time that they were committed to gals who played them and broke their heart..
Well, how long could all this last? At the end of the day it's either you end up alone or you are with someone be it your preffered choice or not.
People this generation never take all this seriously anymore. Love seems more like a game. Call me conservertive or hypocrite. But seing all this things just bother me alot.
The other funny thing is why do i only hear it from the guys... i wonder how do other women think about this..
Does it mean that you should be like the other players or those who gave themselves away just because that you have failed a few relationships that you thought were real and were gonna last?
A very close friend of mine broke up from his first relationship and totally gave up himself.. After several months of breakup, life still seems like nothing to him.. It hurts when i see a friend of mine like that and i am helpless..
I dont deny that love hurts and could break you down. Been there done that. But i dont understand why do they changed so extremely just after failures in love which is only one of the right of passage of life.. Probably i dont really understand..
But i always believe that there will always be sunshine after the rain. Mum told me since young, that everyone would go through a few wrong one before meeting the right one. And you have the power to choose you lover, take your time in knowing different people and then make your choice. But that doesnt entittle one to go breaking other people's heart.
Had so many arguements with guys who told me their stories. The arguement were so heated and everything just turned sour. Well, i know they didnt mean every women in the world that are bitches. But 90% it's like generalizing women. I personally have seen so many different women going thru things that the guys have been thru. What makes it different? Just because a man got played by another woman, it makes all the woman in the world bitches? It also goes vice versa.
Man or Woman, they might not see their life now. But i always believe that there is a small little voice in you that you want to have someone that you can hang on to, someone that you could rely, trust, love and so on.
For what i see, being a player or two timing and so on it just a way to cover your fear and your true self.
And for those who think they have lost their soul,it is not that you have lost your soul. You are just allowing yourself to sink in depression in the mist of the clouds. Not wanting to see the light. It is in a way denial and running from the matter.
What ever happens, we all know for a fact that life goes on. Why screw it and not channel the energy in making a better life.
LiVe LiFe tO tHe FuLlEsT!!!

OnLy oNe MoRe yEaR!!!

Hmm... since a long time since i last blog. It's off from work and back to university.
Lately, have been keeping myself busy.. In a way am avoiding thinking of him.... but then it only work to a certain extend.
Sadly, couldnt hold on to my stand, i gave in after he called and messaged me a few days in a roll.
Went over, spend a night with him, chatting, supper, movie...
Funny thing is, i wonder why i felt awkard lying beside him.. The distance between us could be fitted with 2 bolsters.. Funny..
I might be wrong but it is an instinct... I felt that he missed me and a part of him still loves me. Staying cool and steady that night made me realize that he is trying to hold back his feelings... And he is still pissed when a friend text me middle of the night when we were watching movie. Yet the status of Breakup doesnt entitle him to control me anymore nor it allows him to show his anger. If it is as he claimed that he have lost his feelings, why is he still jealous?
Well, it is all an assumption. Anyhow, am certain now that it wouldnt last between us even if we got back together. Furthermore, i have decided to fly off the country next year. Really needed to leave the country..
Couldnt deny that a part of me still care... but then...
The other thing lately is, i dont know why but i am constantly pissed off with my first ex.. After breakup, we have been buddy... He is constantly on the missing track and the reappear. This time a round, he has been around for a longer period of time... He told me that wants me back but he doesnt seems to mean it..
Yet, we both seems to have lotsa arguements over stupid issues... I wonder why.. I seems to be always against him...
Anyhow, all this now doesnt matter to me.. All i want is to finished up my last year of studies, graduate and fly off to work....
Only One More Year!!

tIrEd!?!?!?!

Hmm... from saturday till wednesday!!! gosh for the few night i only had a total of 10 hours of sleep... on wednesday night... was all flat!!!
Mahjong, football, drinking, hanging out, dinner, surprises.... gosh really filled myself up for this year's birthday....
simple and enjoyable......
on the day of my birthday, he only send a superbly short sms.... "hello happy birthday".....
that is all? nothing else that he could add in?
well.. anyhow i did not reply.... but when midnight hits... started thinking of him... feeling guilty for not replying....decided to just call him and say thank you then see what is happening....
but to my expectation.. he is still him.... being kinda cold....
he was kinda pissed... that i only called to say thank you after one whole day.... well.. as usual... i ignored and just put down the phone.... went on with my parties......
Then to my surprise, he called me last night when i was flatten with exhaustion... fell asleep very early and he only called after midnight....
but the funny thing is... he is still like him like when we were dating.... just misscall me and expect me to call back....
Ignored tha the first misscall..... when the second misscall came.. i was worried if there is an emergency....
So.. did call him back... and it seems like nothing much... asking me how did i celebrated my birthday... how is things and what am i doing...
when he got to know that i am sleeping he asked me to call him the next day....
when i woke up this morning... i thought that i had a dream.. but when i checked my phone....
yeah... he did call....
still contemplating now to call or not to call... wondering what is he trying to do??
well.. i am really sick and tired of all the drama in our past relationship and i dont wanna fall back in.....
but i do still miss him.... but i cannot... cannot allow myself to fall back anymore... knowing that this man will only destroy my future... stop me from succeeding......
i dont even understand why do i love him so much.....
anyhow... i gotta at least meet him a while to return his friend's book to him...... totally forgotten about it till he ask for it.....
well.. guess that the safest way is just to drop it to him at his work place where he cant do anything patty.... nor can he create any trouble for me....
well.... just getting better and now... just a single call.. got my mind messy aagin.....
i miss you dear.. i do... but i am afraid...

LeSsOn LeArNt!!!!

Have been sick lately.... got it all in a package... cough, fever, flu, throat infection, puke, body ache..... probably got it from the change of weather... running around for work... havent been resting enough....
Lately, doesnt seems to miss the song "reunited" playing... Every now and then, it will just play on the radio when i just got into the car...
I remember previously something happen and coincidently the song "let it be" kept on playing and made me think that i should just let things be...
I wonder.. is this a hint or is this just to make me think back and wonder....
A part of me still hopes that this song will come true...
But will it be possible? Even if it is possible.. Is this what i want?
Apart of me feels hatred and grudge... Never had this feeling before... wanting to pull a revenge...
but this is just a small little voice in me that i know i could never listen to... knowing that i couldnt do anything to hurt him anymore... knowing that i dont want to carry a baggage of regrets..
Reflection on life..
Time after time, had never held my ego against men that comes into my life..
Time after time, kept on repeating the same old mistakes..
Time after time, never stood up for myself..
Have always held myself up right with family and friends...
A girl with integrity, understanding, confidence and wacky.... lost it all when it comes to love???
Is it because the natural weakness inside? or is it because i allow myself to be weak?
Mistakes made...Lesson learnt.....
I am who i am... accept me on whole or get on with your life....
I am not perfect but i am learning....
I am not beautiful but i have a lovely heart...
I am but just another girl.. maybe with a pinch....
Birthday coming up.. wonder what will i be doing this year??

ToDaY, LaSt yEaR!! tOdAy tHiS yEaR!!!

Today, June 25...
Today, last year.. was the night that i had my 21st birthday party with my 2 good friends of mine... The party was great.. turned up was good.... had fun... a very memorable day...
Today, last year.... was also the day that my heart was really melted away and happily tied to a man for the rest of my life... The day that a love vow was made... The day that a ring slip onto the hand... with kisses and hugs...
Today, last year was also the day that i finally show my parents my date... The day that i first called someone darling openly infront of friends and family.. A day of assurance and comfirmation...
Yet...
Today, this year... celebrated good pals' birthday... indulged in chocolates.. with choclate fountain.... High with aphrodisiac with a fantastic girls night out... but still feels like something missing inside...
Today, this year... got myself blur the whole day... was called early in the morning by a senior... missed one of the assignments but...
tranquilized for the whole day from the after effect of early this morning's incident... the celebration adjourned to Qbar in Westin Hotel... a girls night out with the birthday gal.. drink.. chill...
But a bunch of assholes keep sending drinks over although we ignored... i tried all the drinks before letting my pal drinks... for what you know.. i was stupid enough to keep on drinking the glass that i suspected had been spike.... wasnt sure at that moment... took a few more sips....
Later on the way out to the car, the dizziness kicks in and starts spinning like its time to party baby, to shake my head off..... Luckily was just minor and manage to get home safely....
hahahaha...
Today, Last year and Today, this year?!?!?!
Wonder how will Today, next year be....

LiFe?!?!?

Had a new hair do... thought that this would be a brand new me...
yet... still cannot get rid of the pain... still miss him...
life is so funny.... before this when i was kinda busy.. thousand and one people would call but when free everything just seems so quiet... Just seems like there is no one around... no one to help me go through this....
Guess that the words older people said is just true... no exceptional cases... When your friends needed you, you be there... but when you needed someone, where are there??
A supposed to be a very good friend of mine disappoint me lately... At times i just dont understand what is he trying to do or prove...
When i broke up.. he was nice and had always been there for me.. maybe we because of our past.. he wanted to start again... told me that he is willing to be a replacement for a while trusting me that at the end of the day i would fall in love with him again for who he is...
yet... just a while he has been around... maybe i did not know how to appreciate him....had so many heated arguements with him.....
but soon enough, he does what he do best.. went missing again... after our history.. he appeared and disappeared through out all this years...
yet i thought when he said those words he would stay.... i trusted him and asked for time... time for me to let go... time for me to recover.... told him that i dont want to use him and dont want to be unfair to him....
But i still spend time with him.. even had the initiative to call him.... yet... he will be just him..
Somehow i am begining to doubt him, doubt the efforts he put into his ex.... doubt his words to me....
Probably i should just not bother... Friends will only be friends...
But a part of me still believe in friends... friendship..... Should make a stand now to only keep the friends that are worthy....
Lucky enough i know... my pals who have known me since primary are still my pals.... thank you gals.... love you gals....
ANyhOw... all these its only right of passage.....
Life!!! LIVE LIFE!!!

...nOtHiNg MuCh...

A bright sunny morning at downtowm KL... My very first day at courts... policemen, lawyers and people walking in out.. confused just looking at the busyness.... The KL court is like a maze... up and down, right and left just doesnt seems to connect but somehow could still find the way out.... Scary convicts staring... gets the gosebumps up...
Then gloomy afternoon back in office... change of weather gets me gloomy as well...
Figuring how to write a news from courts... copying from previous reports.... i wonder what do i learn today...
Havent been feeling well lately.. Mum insisted on a blood test... Asked him if he could accompany me as i dont wanna be alone.. am kinda afraid of the nurses draining blood from me...
and am also afraid if i am diagnose with some problems and so on.... Yet... no reply.....
Well... doesnt really matter anyway....
My mind has been working too much lately.. been thinking of some other guys... thinking of things that attracts me... yet... still they dont seems to be the one i want....
but at times i wonder.... am i thinking of someone else just to distract myself or it is just a usual moving on symptom...
hmm... life seems kinda slow lately... when i have plans.. man... yeah i... enjoy myself... but things seems mundane when there is no plans... but dont seems to make any plans... just wanna be at home... rest and chill....
Trying to get back myself... the one who is constantly filled with fun of life.... running here and there.....
heheheh.... shall live up to my life motto....
LiVe LiFe tO tHe FulLeSt!!!!!

A nEw Day!i!

late last night, was feeling very empty and kinda miss him... decided to sms and call him... met up with him for a beer... spend a night with him... seems rather funny... while sleeping am semiconsciously snugging up to him... but had no feeling at all leaving him this morning... just weird...
not knowing wheter i am all numb or i have let go.... matter of fact leaving feelingless towards him feels like a burden off... feels like am just simply okay.... feels like a new day!!
but i know... that i would never forget the times we had together.. something for me to cherish...
many things in life we might not realize, should be cherish too...
someone once told me this story...
a crippled boy with polio who always have to walk around with aid or help....
when asked what is his dream... he told that his dream is to be able to walk, just walk without aid or help for 20meters, only 20 meters...
think back... we are leaving his dream everyday... walking around freely.. living life as we want it.... but.. have we ever thought of our legs as a gift? grateful that we could walk?
told a friend this morning... some people are just simply lucky to be sheltered and protected from shits in life... but people who have been through shits learn more... although some allow themselves to be destroyed....
life is a perpetual learning process.... learn it.. live it.. enjoy it....

LiFe?? pAsSiOn??

Just got a news from a friend... a guy committed suicide for lost of love... first thing that came into my mind... is it worth it? dying for someone who doesnt care? or will this suicide get the other person to regret for life?
Life, everyday.. in and out we hear of people dying, people suffering, people lost their love ones, lost their homes and so on...
Doesnt this shows that we live a better life today although shit happens? Dont people see the blessings in life?
What is life to you out there? Is it just a simple thing as that you are just alive? Or is there more to life? Dont you have things in life that you wanna achive? your ultimate goal? or just a simple living of life but enjoying it?
Maybe... i am too idealistic... or maybe i just am dumb in believing... but life is given to you for a reason... sufferings happen for a reason...things happen for a reason..
If, only if we could all see that our shits in life cannot be compared to the sufferings.. and we can all give a helping hand to them, living in this world would be better...
I have gone through it myself... getting myself in shits and still grow out of it... no matter how bad things gone.. i still believe in humanity... i still believe in friends and people who have hurt me...
I have even stupidly bang my head to the wall trying to hold on to the impossible... but i still believe.... life has it's own mysterious way of showing it...
When shit happens, we are all in haze.. not knowing what, why, how....... Shits in life thought me that this is all reality of life...
people are selfish to certain extand, people can be cruel, friends might betray you, the one you love might not be as beautiful...
but facts of life are just facts of life... after sometime, forgiveness will give you a better life... holding grudges and angry is way too painful and difficult...
When talking to one of my bosses, i just realize that i am still aware that i have a good life, i am passionate about helping others and i know what i want in life....
life is a game, play it... life is a puzzle, solve it.... life is a journey, travel it... life is an adventure, explore it....
Live up your passion in life.....

bLuRr!!!!!

at a damn blur state.. watched world cup and didnt sleep.... at work staring blindly at the computer pretending to be busy.... been chilling and hanging out till wee hours in the morning... with the exhaustion... couldnt bother much about everything.... all i know.. am not gonna sleep again tonight... after work am heading to the cinema, then club then gamble... hahaha.... am i drowning myself with exhaustion or am i just enjoying myself? couldnt even differentiate myself...
yet again... apart of me still wonders.. dont know wheter to call myself dumb for believing in him or is my instinct true.. keep havng the feeling that he is trying to get me off the relationship for my own good due to his own guilt.. probably he doesnt know how to face me after what we been thru.. i know i did my mistakes as well.. but i believe in the power of love enduring everything...
or probably i am just denying reality and holding on to the beauty i see in him....
anyhow... if it makes him happy.. am glad to let him go... i know for sure in time will be... i know i will strive for what i want in life... have been working towards that direction all my life... through shit and flowers.. i am still standing here today....
from the bottom of my heart, i wish him love and joy... and also to all of you out there....
Life is short, live it to the fullest and dont regret....

I did something stupid last night... Watched football with him over beer but never at peace... tried to talk sense with him... tried to get him back... yet....
But i finally took my belongings from his place and left at wee hours in the morning... I left with a feeling of death... If not my parents in mind, i would have just jumped down from his apartment...
Wanted to cry out loud and shout it all out but failed to do so... tears just dried up just within minutes.. yet again another mystery..
Does this mean that i have given up? or Does it mean that i am just too hurt till i couldnt even cry?
Guess that i am still lucky that i have a pair of wonderful parents who have always been the drive in my life...
Without them i really could not survive.... they have thought me many things about life and the thing is just to live life to the fullest....
Maybe this is just a learning process... or maybe this is to make me realize that i want a life like my aunties,....
just be alone and enjoy life.... without thinking about anything else... someone that you always have to report to... more responsibilities and so on...
Even if i go on like that.. i am certain that i will be successful and i want my own kids... might go to the sperm bank, might adopt or maybe just fuck and leave with my baby... hehehehehehehhe...
There is always too many questions in life... maybe something in life is better left unsaid and just live on with the mystery....
or maybe have its own mysterious way of showing the big picture later....
well... what ever it is... i will survive... i will.....

Think i am getting addicted to blog... seems like the only way for me to let things off my chest.. Seems like no one would actually understand... No matter how much i talk to friends, doesnt ease the pain... although no one would actually console me through here, at least i dont have to listen to all the repetitive advises and comparisons....
This morning, i woke feeling very lost from the dream that i had.. in the dream, i saw my special someone happily mushying with another gal(my worst fear)... Couldn't feel anything at all.. it's just plain feeling of lost, looking at my room and washroom like a strange place...
Right after shower, i broke into tears again... and it seems so hilarious... i am dumbly allowing myself to drown in depression...
Had a slow drive to office, the road that i see everyday seems so new and foreign today... Got scolded by one of my boss saying that i am late for work... Just added the missery.. got my eyes wet but could not allow the tears to drop...
Yet horoscope said that today would be a good day...
"Your stars bring the right conditions for you to make your dreams come true. Today favours personal action"
Irony...

Here i am still in office (10.00pm) finishing the few bits of my news. Miserably missing someone.. At times i just wonder how could this love that turned into a disaster made me lost myself.. Not knowing how to get angry or even hate him for all that he had done. Stupidly, i still want to see him..
It really makes me wonder, through my friends' experiences and myself, how could someone that once fell in love with you and were with you for so long could just turn around and treat you so bluntly cold?
Would someone just lost the feelings of love?
How could someone miss someone who had treated you horribly? Taking all the blames although your conscience is clear?
Do LOVE really have the power to make a person so dumb? How could one know the definite answer when your heart and your brain constantly speak of different terms.
Is it wrong for a person to be overly protective over oneself after all the shits in life?
Is it not healthy for one to keep on comparing and picking the faults of another person who claims to love you.
But it seems funny that it is so easy for a guy to say i love you and go missing the next moment..
Is that the reality of guys out there or is it just the guys that i met.
Praying and putting endless efforts do not help what will?

Life? Love? Dream? Reality?
Can anyone tell another what life is really about?
Everything can seems so perfect at one moment and diminish the very next moment.
What is life really about? Is life a game? Is love a game?
Seems so funny that things in life happens in a mysterious way bringing us up and down the emotional ride.
How do we play this game without getting hurt?
A friend of mine said, life is like a bed of roses, seems so beautiful but there is underlying thorns. Well, it applies to love as well, everything seems beautiful but as time past reality kicks in. Problems, arguements and much more.... Is love only a passing phase in life? Does true love really exist? How could someone treat the other person so cruel when they were once in love? Slap, hit, attempt to run you down with car.....
Have you ever wonder why some people never seems to have any problems but you are caught in one after another?
Do these people really dont have any diffuculties or do they have their own stories behind?
Been wondering about so many things since very young, as time past, too many things happened but never really understand how life works...